The Poker Bat Berates An Owner

So the Poker Bat was at this poker tournament where they had a silly rule.  In order to play poker tournaments at this venue you had to be seated.  The Bat doesn’t like to sit down.  When the Bat logs on to play online poker tournaments the Bat usually has one knee in the chair and one foot on the ground.  At most LIVE poker tournaments, if not all the live tournaments, if the Bat decides to he can do just that. 

Now, the image of Coach Bat with one knee on the chair and the other foot on the ground is a scary sight.  The Bat’s a big, big man, a Walrus if you will.  The Bat holds court like the king that he is.  Yes it’s intimidating but when people elect to play with the Bat they are going get a taste of the Bat, it may start with the Bat physically lording over the table but it will end with the Bat lording over the chips so they should get used to it from the get.

Anyway, the Bat was at this venue, kind of a home game kind of a poker club kind of a Shreveport legend.  Bat’s only been invited to play a few times but when he has it’s amazing how loose the game is and how eager these jabronis are to give away their money.  This time, the Bat is seated next to the guy that runs the joint.  Yeah, that’s right, dude is playing in his own game and not afraid to browbeat the Bat about rules.  Two kinds of brows, the Bat don’t like, browbeaters and unibrows.  This guy not only beat the Bat’s brow, but he sported a furry unibrow too, they were wild like John Madden’s and conjoined like siamese twins.

The Bat might have made mention of the shag carpeting above the guy’s eyes when the Bat told him to let his eyes out of the jungle so he could see the cards better.  He turned to the Bat and said, “You best be seated because your cards are dead if you aren’t square in that seat.  We got a house rule here.”  The Bat said “You best be grooming because that caterpillar is dead on your forehead and that is the square truth.”

Well the people get laughing, and the Bat sees the man start turning red and his pet above his eyebrows start  twitching, the Bat can’t help himself and says “Oh no, my mistake that thing ain’t dead it’s still living.  It’s a miracle.”

Next thing that Bat knows the proprietear kicks the chair clean out from the Bat’s kneeling spot and the Bat damn near tumbles into the table.  The guy with the chia worm says, “Outta of his seat!”  Grabs the Bat’s cards and firmly plants them in the muck.   Bat don’t get mad too often over a poker game.  Now the Bat will play with a man, chew him up a bit and then get back to the business of poker, and after he’s been humbled in the game and in the talk, let the fella off the hook with a joke.

This jabroni wasn’t getting a joke.  The Bat settled down a bit and righted himself as the room was now laughing at the Bat’s expense.  The Bat picks up his chair and puts his knee back on it.  Everybody waits.  The Bat announces “Deal!” and the old guy shuffles up and pitches the cards.  Then the Bat looks the guy that runs the place and says, “You knock my chair out from me again and I’m going to eat that worm on your head like a fish to bait.  A fish to bait.”

That ended that.  The Bat continued to kneel as he always did and that little bugger just about swallowed his tongue meaning the Bat didn’t have to swallow his upper mustache and the Bat wasn’t really in the mood to do that.

Til next time at the Same Bat Blog, Same Bat Post.

Bat-tlefield Earth, Feeling up the Poker Felt

The Bat wonders if you’ve ever seen those guys that sit down at the table and immediately start caressing the felt.  They move those dirty hands around in slow semi-circles like they are petting a dog’s belly, and stroke it like there is some sort of secret spot that will unlock a trove of chip stacks.   The Bat can tell them where the G spot is, it’s right in front of them with the thousands they got sitting there in stacks of hundos, that Bat will be happy to unload for them.  The Bat knows you don’t have to deal with that crap playing online poker but is terrified about the rumors that poker sites will start using webcams to show the poker players in the hand.  The Bat doesn’t want to see what the guy is doing in the privacy of his own home whilst playing poker.  Forgetaboutit.

So the Bat watches a few lunchboxes, at the casino that Daniel Negreanu called out in his blog, stroking felt.  Apparently Kid Poker, The Poker Monkey, and Pokerbat can all agree the structures in those tournaments turn into shove fests at the end.  The Bat doesn’t know from personal experience as the Bat has never made it to the end of anything really except for a special Family Ties episode that dealt with Skippy’s cross eyeds (hey, that pulled at the heartstrings and Mallory really had a change of perspective).  Still, the Bat considers both those players wise enough authorities to recognize it as truth.

So the Bat, realized as he signed up to play tournament after tournament he was doing everybody a favor by not going deep so as not to get on his blog and complain about the shove fest that took away all of the Bat’s considerable skills he used to get there.    That was nice of the Bat.

The Bat instead cruised the poker rooms and found some of the worst players he had ever laid eyes on.  The Bat thinks the more a guy strokes a table the worse he is.  It’s like the dude that tries to convince you he can play poker, and starts rubbing elbows like he recognizes you as the other good player at the table, the worst that guy  is.  All hat no cattle is what they say in Texas. 

Amazing how many of these chest pounders will criticize the slightest mistake which oftentimes isn’t even a mistake and then cry bloody murder when their hand doesn’t hold up.  Look cowboys and indians, this is poker, the best hand doesn’t always hold up, and the best hand isn’t the best hand until the hand is OVER.  Stop listening to Kenny G, wannabees, and start doing some history lessons and listen to a guy named Kenny R. ” You never count your money when you are sitting at the table!”  Know why, because it’s not yours yet, it’s still in play.

The Bat watched some idiot try to get around that concept by openly taking the hundos he won in a pot, crumpling them and stuffing them into his massive mom jean pockets.  Here’s an anatomy lesson… guys get bellys, they do not get pooches that fit under their Lee’s–okay?   If you do, you might want to check if you are in fact a dude.  If you are sticking money into front pockets of your jeans that look like ass pockets on somebody else’s jeans, you are probably not only not a dude but also a mom.  Yes, you have a kid induced pooch.

Good news is you can start playing ladies tournaments.  Bad news is you bore children, worse news is you wear mom jeans. 

Now back to this Mother-in-Disguise.  He tries to “Go South” and the Bat ain’t having it.  “No, no, fella pull your money out… these are table stakes.”  The dealer looks at the Bat like the Bat is talking Vietnamese, which is apparently legal at these tables as long as your friend is also Vietnamese, but not if you are the Bat talking after four Crown and Cokes on a different night….  Speak English?  “ImasparklingArngish.”    So the dealer gets his panties in a bunch, because there is a dude trying to put hundos in his bunch, and the Bat calls him on it.

When the rest of the table informs the dealer the Bat’s in the right not even an apology is proferred.  The Bat doesn’t like dealers that don’t apologize.

Alright, the Bat needs to shampoo his sideburns.

Same Bat site, same bat post?

Poker Bat Battons the Hatches in online Poker Tournament

The Bat is back checking in with all you avid readers.  In short, the Bat says hi parole officer and misclicker.  The Bat recently played an online poker tournament.  The Bat enjoys online poker tournaments because the Bat doesn’t have to suffer the foolishness that is live play.  There are no hygiene issues on the computer.  That means when the Bat decides to play online poker nobody is cramping his style about wearing deodorant or combing his impressive moustache.  They are called flavor savers for a reason.  Especially when the Bat eats a good gumbo or stew. 

Anyway, during this recent cold snap the Bat has been playing in his long-underwear and while his poker tournament online have also run frigid that Bat ain’t getting down.  Big deal they all catch one outers, cold deck the Bat with AA over KK, and run like friggin Kenyan, the Bat will prevail.

So as the tournament started the Bat keyed into this player who would bet/fold to any rearaise or checkraise.  His screenname was ChumpsChange.  The Bat knew what to do from the get-go, isolate the Chump and take his change.  Like The Situation from the TV Show the Jersey Shore clearing out a room with day old Haterrade the Bat came out firing and isolating ChumpsChange on every hand.

The weak-passive fool just kept folding.  The Bat enjoyed this little party of aggression.  Unfortunately, the table broke and the guy advertising free chips got sent to another table to dump like a chump.  The Bat’s new table in a freakish moment of coincidence all had the same Avatar.  Not the characters from James Cameron’s Big Screen attack on the United States occupying various states, but the exact same image.

The Bat thought he was seeing things.  Thankfully they had different names but the Bat was still skeptical.  Maybe this was some sort of twilight episode the Bat was living through.  You know the Twilight Zone tv show, the one where there is one guy all by himself on Earth.  They only had one plot right?  Every show was one guy walking around wondering where everybody went.

The Bat decides to see if he’s at a table of bots or real people.  He types into the chatbox “ Annie are you okay.  Are you okay Annie.”  Finally somebody caught on and started talking about the king of pop.  The Bat started informing this superfan that Michael Jackson’s entire career was predicated on admitting just what a pervert he really was…  “You’ve been hit by a smooth criminal…”  Yes, the kevlar king of pop. 

PYT.  Pretty Young Thing…  That’s pretty obvious.  Seriously, listen to the lyrics.  In the Thriller video the guy was actually a zombie monster.  Not much a stretch.  “I’m Bad!”  Hmmm… dude couldn’t stop confessing and people.  “I just can’t stop loving you.”  No he couldn’t stop himself. 

Needless to say, the Bat has learned in life there are only a few things that you should never do, talk about Michael Jackson’s relationships to superfans is one of them.  Suddenly, all these similar avatars started spouting off about MJ’s greatness, his misunderstood kindness, and what a hard life he lived.  Can’t say the Bat was swayed and can’t say the Bat didn’t enjoy tilting the entire table.

Anyway, with this table of steaming lookalikes falling prey to the Bat’s needling the Bat made hands and got paid off.  Later on the Bat found himself sitting on the money bubble humming the Paul McCartney-Michael Jackson collaboration “Say, Say, Say,”  but would say “Call, Call, Call.”  It felt like it was working, because they’d call, call, call.  Unfortuantely, for the bet the last time they called their hand held and the Bat bubbled.

The Bat will be heading to the Beau tomorrow for some fast and furious action.  Look for me on a final table.  The Bat will be knocking out Dwyte Pilgrim by tilting him by insulting namesake and 80s icon, New York Met Dwight Gooden.  Why the Bat isn’t at the Aussie Millions is anybody’s question but Biloxi will have to do.

Til next time, same Bat blog, same bat post.

The Poker Bat is no Poker Brat…

Recently, the Poker Bat was admonished for his poker blow up by a tournament director where the Bat let it be known that he’s leading a player’s revolt and ain’t going to take to take it anymore. Ironic, because the Bat just last week (jokingly) admonished the Poker Monkey for coming onto his blog and airing his dirty laundry in his resolutions post.   So what is the Poker Bat to do but be a little hypocritical this week.  Admonish away. 

Dear anonymous Poker Tournament Director Whose Breath Smells like Fish Sticks and a bad batch of Bubble Tea,

The Bat finds you compelling as a personality but not that compelling.  It’s obvious you want things about you and nobody else.  Course players don’t sign up to play in tournaments based on the size of the ego of the guy running the event, so the Bat will not be playing in your Poker event.  Sure nobody on the gulf coast will miss the Bat like the folks in Biloxi may miss the Poker Monkey but the Bat is taking a stand.  Until you lower the cost of Red Bulls to free the Bat will not play in your tournament.

Signed,

The Poker Bat not the Poker Brat.

Okay, now that’s off the Poker Bat’s chest let’s get to some of this week’s goodness.  The Bat is continually (not) impressed by his low station on the hierarchy of Gulf Coast Poker.NET’s Columns section.  How come the Bat updates his blog, weekly the Bat might add, and he moves up nary one spot.  GCP be warned the Bat is a mite GCPeeved.   And on top of that what happened to your facebook profile GCP Net?  Where’d that go?  The Bat lost a friend this week and the Bat doesn’t have too many facebook virtual friends. 

This week in the Bat’s poker world, the Bat took down a major online poker tournament.  New Year’s resolution resolved.  That was quick.  Okay, that’s a bit of truth stretcher.  The Bat did win a poker tournament on a major online site.  Course the site is major and the poker tournament not so much.  Okay maybe calling it a poker tournament is a bit much.  It was more a sit n’ go.  Okay, it was less than that, it was a heads up battle but the Bat’s opponent did sit n’ go to the rail when the Bat smacked him with top of Jacks on the second hand.

In the chat box the Bat serenaded the loser with “You just got Jacked off…. suited, buddy!”  The Poker Bat is funny, well at least the Bat is funny to himself.  Nobody else matters. 

What else happened in the Life and Times of the Bat.  Ah yes, the Bats recent man crush on craps.  The Bat loves to plays some online craps, some live craps, and crap, any kind of craps.  Recently when the Bat played Craps online at the online casino the Bat hit hard eights like he was the Philadelphia Eagles going after Michael Irvin, the Patsies crushing Marvin Harrison, or any hockey team bashing the big but brittle Eric Lindros.  Wait a second… They all  wore the number 88.  A hard eight is when you roll… 44.  Okay, that doesn’t make much sense because the dice should say 88 not 44.   Let’s pretend the Bat was talking about ole 44 John Riggins getting crushed by Ed Too Tall Jones or Randy White.  Yeah, forget the middle of this paragraph even happened.

So where was the Bat, rolling hard eights like it was his job, and losing the online casino some money.  The Bat bat enjoys playing the online casino from the comfort of his own home because the Bat wins himself a nice supplement to his poker bankroll.  Casino online action is fun. 

What else…

Ah yes, the Bat recently got an Atari Wii.  Wheeee! That game is fun.  Course the fact the Bat actually has to stand up to play is a little annoying so the Bat sits and swings his arm around which may not be discouraged but still works.  The Bat is waiting for there to be a Wii poker game where the Bat has to lift the joystick up to simulate looking at his stellar hole cards.  Wonder how many joy sticks or whatever Wii calls them will be destroyed after a Tilt session.  Speaking of tilt sessions the Bat is intrigued by these Sit ‘n Tilts he saw mentioned on GCP.Net.

Anyway, that’s a wrap on the Bat this week.  See you next time, same Bat Time, Same Bat website.