Meep, Meep, Learn how to be the Poker Bat,

Bat’s random Holdem poker thoughts…

The Bat loves it when a guy is bluffing with the best hand then turns that sumbitch over like he just stole the crown jewels of Denmark.  Nice try alligator face but you can’t show up someone when every draw misses and even if you checked it down you still would have won.  Even worse if there is some value for the idiot to check for showdown.  The Bat’s not writing this blog to educate you unwashed masses on the importance of show-down values there are plenty of other places to read about poker strategy like Brandon Jarret’s blog, but since some of you come here to get a kernel of knowledge from the Colonel of poker here are some freebies…   

Use these with descretion, but you folks clean your laundry downstream of a Union Carbide plant so the Bat realizes that’s going to be difficult for you, but try.  And most of these don’t deal with online poker tournaments but maybe you’ll have better luck with them than The Bat has. The Bat thinks the worst spot to be on the poker table is in the big blind.  The Bat knows many of you get taken by the fact you should defend your big blind at all costs.  Why play a big pot from there out of position?  Yes, that’s the conventional question and it’s answer is conventional wisdom.  But you start listening to conventional wisdom and you’ll never play a big pot.

If the pipsqueak to your right tries to get frisky a couple of times in a row, by the way what table are you playing on these days where pots are unopened to the blinds mulitple times, just fire back at him with a five x raise of his raise and immediatly start whispering “Do it… Do it…  Do it…” while caressing the rest of your chips.  Make sure the caressing is perverted… not menacing.  That’s very important.   Then ship it regardless of what the board comes if he checks… and he will check every single time.  Five times out of six you are welcome.  The other time you try it and it fail don’t come complaining back to the Bat.  You lost the hand because the guy could smell Coyote on you from a mile away and he went Meep Meep.

When you succeed quote the Devo song “Whip it” preferably these lyrics “Whip it, Whip it good” in as soft a voice that he can still hear, as you pick up your new chips.  Then wink at the guy and hold the eye shut for an awkwardly long time, almost like you’ve forgotten how to open it again.  Then the rest of the session look at him and make a slow, painful looking wince as you shut the eye, as if simply looking at him causes half-blindness.

Playing from the button is one of the most powerful spots on the table.  Problem is everyone knows that so it’s harder to steal from, but everybody knows that now, so you can steal again, as most people rate you as having hand.  Yet, in poker when you zig like Zig Ziglar you want them to think you are zagging likw Adam Morrison, so the Bat advocates stealing from the button at your lesiure.  Three bet, open raise, and if the feeling gets you call, and bet any unopened pot postflop.  Once you’ve done this a few times somebody is ready to look you up.

Now, you gotta channel the spirit of somebody a lot braver than you are, and since you have the courage of a stuffed animal and the imagination of a math teacher, the Bat gives you permission to imagine you are the Bat.  Your skin is invulnerable, you have a titanium hide, and you crush all players.  It’s fun to be the Bat.  Anyway, once they are ready to look you up, even more reason to bet.  Find those two pound weights that now chafe your upper legs, Pokerbat, and bet Ming the Merciless-ly.  They want to play back but they wonder if this time you got the hand.

Then stomp on their soul, by humming Lady Gaga’s pokerface and indicating you are going to muck as soon as the flop is dealt.  If they bet, pull back your cards and raise them, hum louder.  If they don’t bet, simply bet.  When they fold, then wink… and, again hold that eye shut so long, somebody thinks you are about to have a seizure, and then huskily whisper “I’m the Poker Bat…”

Lady Gaga

Yesterday I was thinking, I would love to see a club song about Poker. Preferably, sung by a woman in a skimpy outfit, some mumbling, and maybe centering on a poker face.

Today what do I see but a Poker Face video that is lighting the internet afire. Or not.
Anyway, today I did discover Lady Gaga playing poker and singing about it.

Who is Lady Gaga?

She looks like Christina A except a little more brutish or manish. She’s a club diva.

And from the song you can tell, she wants to “Holdem like they do in Texas.”

She’s also “bluffin with her muffin.”

The music is a little Gwen Stefani and a little Black Eyed Peas mixed with a club band. Now, this isn’t really my kind of music, though I do like the idea of bluffin’ with her muffin. It’s a catchphrase I will repeat everywhere I go. It went over great at Christmas with the grandparents.

Also, of note is the fact, the table she is playing at in the video, not that you’ll notice, but it is adorned with a huge bwin logo. I like it. That’s where I play.

This isn’t the best poker song out there but it does share one thing in common with another Euro club song about Poker, it gets in your brain and infects you from the inside out. Of course I’m talking about, the neo classic 95 Rocks Poker Song, “I Call You With Ace High” Instead of saying “I win with the Ace High, Ye-ah, yeah,” or “There’s no luck” in moments of boredom your brain will endlessly repeat “mum-mum-mum my poker face” after listening to Lady GaGa. That’s not necessarily a good thing, I know.

However when I play online texas holdem my iPod whenever it’s on shuffle seems to seek out the Ace High song and other ditties I downloaded as a joke.

Some other poker songs?

Of course there is Kenny Rogers the Gambler. Yes, some truth in there. “You gotta know when to fold them and when to holdem.” I doubt Kenny’s man would be holding Ace High in the showdown like the Eurodonks in the great video linked above. It’s maybe Kenny’s best song though the “Coward of The County” is tough to beat.

This one is only good that they dedicate it to TJ.

Marcel Luske of Holland took his crooning from a table distraction to an authentic poker song. “Poker, Poker, Poker everybody plays poker… these days.” Marcel should stick to his day job. He still gets to sing there so it’s plus ev.

So in short, it’s not too hard to be a good poker song. Outside of the Gambler there really isn’t too much competition. Is Lady GaGa’s a good tune. I’m still repeating that inane chorus. So maybe.