Poker, Poker, Poker, relax for 5 Minutes, Poker, Poker, Poker

The Bat is a crass individual, we know this. He is a steaming pile of anger, heartache, dysfunction, and Texas Holdem poker game genius. The Bat finds it aggravating that the rest of the world hasn’t recognized the complex, tortured soul that should be dominating poker at every level. Well… except for the min stakes and low stakes… and for that matter, the Bat doesn’t need to dominate the medium stakes either… well, the Bat should be dominating poker at its highest level. The nosebleeds. The rest of you can have the other levels.

Course, the Bat doesn’t have a bankroll to go all Isildur1 on the rest of the World. The Bat would like a bankroll to sit down with Phil Ivey and Tom Dwan and teach them the meaning on sitting on a pile of dynamite when the other guy is holding a lit match because that’s what it feels like when you are in a hand with the Poker Bat. You think poop goes through a pigeon quick? Try to look into the Bat’s soulless eyes as he triples barrels you to kingdom come in a Pot Limit Omaha game.

With that public safety message out of the way, the Bat is so looking forward to the Harrahs event in December. The structures are fabulous, the noted Nolan Dalla’s tournament reports are first class, and the event runs as smoothly as any does down here. The Bat thinks he could dominate the best of the rest that will populate the fields. The Bats says the best of the rest, because the rest of the best are headed elsewhere.

The World Series of Poker Satellite Circuit has seen fit to cannibalize itself and compete with itself. Why not throw a tournament in New Jersey at the exact same time, where anybody with a glimmer of hope to make the National Freeroll, will go there instead. Or Foxwoods with Darvin Moon or wherever that fellow bumpkin is hosting an event. Plus, Tunica had or is having something.

Seems like you can go most of the summer without a tournament but you can’t go a couple of weeks in the winter and spring without them overlapping. The Bat thinks these casinos should pay attention to what the rest of the world is doing. Each is too busy peeing on their piece of the snow to look over their shoulder to see where everybody else is peeing. Don’t pee into the wind or in front of others peeing. Tournament directors and casino managers must like getting wet when they go to the bathroom.

Speaking of peeing, the Bat recently played all night in a marathon high-low session and despite tossing back a few sixers didn’t pee for 12 hours. See, a half-hour into the game the Bat looked in on the bathroom and it made a truck-stop stall look like a dinner plate. Bat couldn’t tell what the different shades of gunk and funk were, so the Bat decided to pass up the ol’ WC. Then when the Bat got in his car, all at once there was a pressure like the Bat’s never felt from his kidneys clear to his firehose. Bat tried to get out of the car and get back inside or at least make it to a bush, but before he could get gone he went, if you know what the Bat means. Literally, the door was open only a second before the floodgates were.

The Bat will be cleaning his vintage car for days now. But it smells like the stairwell of the Harrahs parking garage which is oddly appropriate as that is where the Bat is headed next.

Anyway, the Bat destroyed the poker game but the poker game arguably destroyed the Bat’s car.

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Poker Bat on Deck to Bat at WSOP Riches

The Poker Bat took a vacation.  Wasn’t at the Poker Hospital or the real hospital the Bat was just on leave from blogging.  The Bat can blog in his sleep or so the Bat thinks but every time he lays down to sleep he never blogs.  The Bat knows so many of you loyal, avid, aimless, lecherous, and deceitful readers get amped up for a Bat post so it must have been disappointing to go through the last two weeks without a taste of the Bat to tide you by.  The Bat has been playing Texas Hold em poker online, which should come to no surprise to you, the Bat’s faithful readership, but for the rest of you, the unfaithful, the haters, but those that still read and still badger the Bat with insults, here’s the surprise… the Bat’s been killing it.

Yeah, cry the Bat a river. You think he’s a donk yet all he does is win. The Bat is a one man poker school and you’d be wise to sign up and take lessons. First off, the Bat has been playing some cash games with some big dummies online. They all race to sit down at the Bat’s table and talk about VPIP-PITY split, career EV, and abbreviates the Bat don’t care to read or care about.

All the Bat knows is he’s dropping them as the Bat is on a heater like Jaime Gold at the World Series. You got pocket kings MrSwed1sh the Bat’s got a set of 10s. Eat it Scandi. The Bat’s been amassing cash and gearing up for the two World Series of Poker events that are going to be taking place on the coast. The IP has an event the Bat is going to crash and win, so too Harrahs of New Orleans. Don’t know how many tournaments the Bat will play or if the Bat will just nurse the teet of the cash games, but the Bat will be there.

By the way, question for the IP? Why not move the cash tables into the tournament area and create one huge poker clusterdump during the Circuit Satellite event. Rather than players walking up and down a flight of escalators (even when the Bat’s riding one of those things, the tug of gravity on the Bat’s muffin top makes it feel like work) and trotting half a building to go back and forth put all that in one place. Say a player busts out of a tournament and goes on insta-tilt here’s a cash game for him to join. No need for him to walk for five minutes and talk himself out of it, or to cool off his tilt.

Bat likes players hot and freshly busted. Try to win that entry back on one hand you big dummy. The Bat’s got something for you.

The Harrahs event is part of that big tournament circuit where points are tabulated and it acts a bit like the Nike Tour and then they give away a bracelet for it. Yawn. The Bat’s only interested in one thing, busting players, busting tables, and trying not to bust ass while doing it. Yes, the Bat’s known to have a bit of a flatuation problem, but a little gas ain’t harmful to no one but the guy at the table behind him. You are going to know the Bat tooted because the Bat will be standing up pointing at some other guy and talking about the dead racoon he’s storing in his large intestine. Never admit a fart, that’s one of the Bat’s rules to live by.

Oh yeah, congrats to the guy that co-owns the site, Wild Bill, for chopping that soft as molasses Harrahs weekly tournament he calls the Donkley. It must be a stable of donkeys for that nit to win.  Note to Wild Bill and Gene D:  move the Bat up the Gulf Coast Poker. Net blog list.

Poker: What to do, Where to go, Why to do it?

The Pokerbat is considering his options.  First, make a special holiday weekend of crushing the online games.  That’s option number 1.  Course that is option one every day for the Bat, when the Bat logs on to play poker on a mac at home.  The Bat likes that option, he likes the way it ends up, and he’ll enjoy the journey there–but the Bat don’t have to be at home to do that.  They make computers portable these days and now that they have poker on a mac to go, the Bat ain’t going just sit at home and play, thank Peter, Paul, Mary and Puff the Magic Dragon for wireless cards.

 Second, the Bat loads up his 1978 Cadillac–which looks a little something like the picture minus the paint job, new engine, new parts, shinyness, washed-ness, and the original seat materials, AND the the little doohicky on the front (Bat thinks one of the neighborhood kids is wearing that as a necklace)–and heads to St. Louis because that other Poker  animal, the PokerMonkey, is raving about the structures, the casino, and some giant golden arches.  That is option number 2. 

Now, the Bat is fond of McDonalds but he doesn’t need to see a supersized McDonalds in the middle of Missouri to feel better about eating Big Macs, or fries, or milk shakes, or sundaes, or nuggets… 

Bat doesn’t have a weight problem, he has a wait problem, as in he can’t wait to eat.  Since, the Bat has a local Mickey Ds, that option is off the table.   And excuse the interlude, but the Bat is going to the drive through in the middle of this post.  The Bat’s got a McFlurry itch that needs to be scratch, to the Bat’s caddy.  You didn’t think it would be called the Batmobile did you?   

Thirdly, go to Biloxi and play in that stranglehold of a structure they got at the B.R.  The Bat says stranglehold because before you know it, those blinds and antes will sneak up on you like a Gay pro wrestler executing a sleeper hold.  The Bat created a little nursey rhyme for players at that tournament to sing when the structure falls about like an old stadium full of TNT.  Make sure you chant near your poker tournament director, if you don’t think luckboxes should be rewarded…

“It all goes to hell, and it all goes in, he who is luckiest wins, and he who ain’t, buys-in again.” 

 The Bat realizes that doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue but you have fun with it, especially as your chips go to the center of the table all willy-nilly.

Fourthly, the Bat loads up his Cadillac, with his poker on a mac computer and wireless card, and goes on a poker road trip/bender.  Head to down to New Orleans for some cash games, take the winnings and hit the highway up to St. Louie, play some poker on the road while driving (will be safe going the speed limit),  play in a poker tournament there and then head down to Baton Rouge try to find the poker “room” in the middle of that casino there, check out the hybrid poker club maybe, and then skedaddle over to Biloxi.  That sentence is tiring and the Bat hasn’t even gotten to the good part.

Sit at the cash tables and crush the donkeys coming in from the slaughter house upstairs.  Sing to them the Bat’s song:
“It all goes to hell, and it all goes in, he who is luckiest wins, and he who ain’t buys-in again.”   The Bat has trademarked that little ditty already so you site squatters with visions of money in your birdbrains settle down.  That’s it.  Tune in next week, same Bat blog, same Bat poster, for the results.