The Bat Attacks

Today was a good day for the Bat. 

The Bat destroyed, decimated, and decapitated.  The Bat destroyed the poker tables online, decimated the football pools, and decapitated a G.I.Joe figure in anger about the G.I.Joe movie.  G.I…….. Joe, A Real American He—-ro!  That thing made the Transformer movie look sophisticated and intelligent.  The Bat just watched the previews and was angry enough to bite off Destro’s head, no way the Bat is going to watch the entire movie.  They are wearing some sort of jet suits and jumping around like Robocops.  Don’t disappoint the Bat, Thor movie, that helmet might hurt.

This is a poker blog so the Bat needs to dish on the destruction and havoc the Bat wrought on the virtual tables.  The Bat likes to take small pocket pairs like 2s, 3s, and 4s and bring misery to those seated near him.  The recipe is easy, sprinkle in a little positive thinking, a powerful flop, a better turn and crush those fools that believe AA is a good hand.  It only wins four times out of five.  How is it going to beat four fours, three threes and a wheel? 

The Bat likes to taunt those fools that call all the way down with the overpair.  The Bat’s favorite taunt “Please Wheezy!”  The Bat doesn’t know what that means but he heard Doyle Brunson once say that to Dewey Tomko after a big hand.  So now if you get the Please Wheezy in your chatbox you might have just ran into the Bat.

The Bat hears that Darvin Moon will be down in New Orleans for the Saints-Patriots game and the Saints will recognize him for… something… wearing a hat?    Thats interesting.  Darvin was the underdog who almost won it all but didn’t.  The Saints are the ultimate underdog having their best season yet, they are undefeated, kind of Moon terrorizing the main event.  Did the guy even lose a hand?

Obviously, the logger from West Virginia wore a Saints hat the entire time, but he didn’t quite get it done.  The Saints this year can’t settle for not quite getting it done.   When they get to heads up with the Colts or the Patriots at the end of the year, there will be no second best, there should be no Joe Cada taking it down.  Only the Saints.

Hmmm.  Got to wonder if the team made the wrong decision in aligning themselves with an also ran.  The Bat feels they did.

The Bat plays his online poker on a mac these days.  Sure it’s a little fruity, even the powerful ones, kind of like a juiced up wrestler wearing silky tights.  Machismo or something else?  So the Bat’s macintosh was home to the sickness as the Bat put down bad beat after bad beat on his hapless poker opponents.   Still, when the Bat’s mac froze the Bat didn’t know what to do he had devoted his entire sunday to play poker online.    What would you do?  Silly reader, Macs don’t freeze.  That’s why the Bat got one.

On to the football pools.  The Bat has been crushing a survivor pool and put all of his teams on the Atlanta Falcons today.  The Bat never sweated that game, even when Tampa Bay was up.  Even when they were driving to hit a field goal to ensure the best the Falcons could do was tie (which they missed).  Even when the clock was just about runned out and the Falcons got a miracle penalty to get a new set of downs to put the ball in from the five. 

Why wasn’t the Bat worried.  One, the Bat doesn’t sweat… ever.  The Bat willed his sweat glans closed as a 13 year old.  Two, the Falcons were playing the Tampa Bay Bucs.  The Bucs.  Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.  The Bucs can’t hold on to a lead against anybody.  Remember when John Gruden used to coach there?  He was the cat’s pajamas for a while, but then the misery of that organization tainted him.  He became Tony Kornheiser’s replacement.  This guy was supposed to be Vince Lombardi’s replacement.  Then the Bucs infested him with their scent of losing and no he wears it like a bad toupee.

Who debuts a team with an orange uniform an Orange Julius kiosk would be embarrassed to wear.  In the NFL.  Come on. 

That’s enough for this week from The Bat, destroyer of poker dreams, decimator of football pools, and decapitor of Scottish Arms dealer Destro.  Fear the Bat.

The Bat reviews the World Series of Poker Final Table

Joe Cada.  Already discussed him and the kid cada-rized the field.  He dropped out of school to take the field to poker school.  Not sure the Bat wants lessons though.   It must be fun to get it all in with the worst hand, catch up and win the hand for huge stacks.  He was a bit of a suicide bomber except the problem was every time he tried to blow himself up the bomb fell off him and took somebody else out.  Not until he played pretty well at the heads up battle did he do anything to distinguish himself as a worthy champion.  Unfortunately, for people hoping to legalize the game, this final table showed just how relevant luck is, even if it also will reinforce how important it is in the short term, and what less of a factor it is long term (Phil Ivey  making it back would be tremenduous for this argument).

Phil Ivey.  Fold, Fold, Fold your boat, gently down the stream merrily, merrily, merrily bracelet is just a dream.  Okay they didn’t fold any boats, but both seemed unwilling to put their chips in with anything but the nuts, and the nuts never came.  Even when Ivey had Darvin Moon crushed he learned the hard way the WSOP final table is not the place to turn timid.  Case in point Ivey folded pocket jacks preflop.  Not a great laydown like this one: 

Showed great patience but he was also killing Saout who had sniffed him out as a nit and shoved on him.

Saout had done this in front of Ivey in the lead up to the final table, and though on that day, based on the TV coverage Saout started out tight, Ivey still needs to play his pocket Jacks when he feels they are ahead.  This is one of those lay-downs Daniel Negreanu talked about when he said Ivey was folding hands he never would.  Ivey also could have taken a chance or two with pocket kings and tried to chip up with most flops, instead he shoved on Shulman, the other nit, and pulled in only the preflop money. 

Jeff Shulman.  He hired Phil Hellmuth as coach and Hellmuth’s poker innovation was to bet five times the big blind and commit more of Shulman’s money to the pot when he’d fold to shoves over the top.  Hellmuth has been taken to task for this brilliance and Shulman paid the price for it when he could never get anything going.  Tough to even sustain when people can resteal for such a hefty price tag.

Darvin Moon.  The bat has found a brother from another mother.  This down home, aw shucks snake in the grass, is exactly what makes America grand.  Bumpkins outsmarting city folk has been a staple of our culture since our first city.  Moon almost pulled off the greatest con ever.  Crazy like a fox. 

The rest of the other guys.  All they did was get their money in good and get sucked out on.  The Bat has sympathy but would gladly take their million dollar consolation prizes.

Cada is Youngest World Series of Poker Main Event Champ Ever

The Bat is aghast.  Well, if the Bat knew what aghast meant maybe he wouldn’t be.  If aghast means shocked and awed in a bad way, than considered the Bat aghast.  Joe Cada, the man who teaches you to ship it with any pair because you’ll hit a set and beat no matter what you are up against is the Main Event Champion. 

Well, when the Bat calls Cada the man, he means THE MAN, because the 21 year old is barely off his mother’s boob, and his far more noob than a man.  That being said that seems like he has a good head on his shoulders, which is good because the Bat has seen people with bad heads on their shoulders (usually they have no necks but Cada has a neck), and wants to embrace the ambassador to poker role that past champions have run from, hidden from, or ignored.   This is a kid who dropped out of school and now is the center of poker.

Chris Moneymaker, Joe Hachem, and Greg Raymer are worthy representatives of poker and they have served the game well.  The last few not so much.  It’s a tough burden and they don’t teach you it in poker school, much less real school.  Fellow young ‘un Peter Eastgate is a good kid, and while his triumph might have been great for poker in Denmark it was like another square of rain forest being trimmed down to Americans–largely ignored and even those aware of it happening not really caring it happened.  

Jaime Gold was a hollywood agent.  When he lived out the stereotype on the table and in brokering and breaking deals, people largely passed on the guy.  Even if he wanted to be poker’s next superstar, and some part of him did, despite his false humility the poker community was never going to embrace him until he put together the type of resume that makes poker’s rogues lovable rogues.

Jerry Yang was the counter-point to Gold.  He prayed outwardly at the final table.  In essence, he cited his victory because God wanted him to win.  The Bat is pro-God, so maybe God did want Yang to win but if so why would he basically disappear after the championship.  And the Bat has to wonder why God let’s so many degenerates win poker tournaments if he’s so invested in their outcomes. 

So that’s an zero-for-three streak the Main Event champion has been, and the luster of Moneymaker, Raymer and Hachem is starting to show some wear and tear.  Poker needs a new hero, and maybe this kid could be it.  Maybe the Bat is wrong to be aghast maybe the Bat should be excited.  Perhaps, Cada will inspire millions of 16 and 17 year olds to try online poker, and in four years to venture into a live casino for the first time. 

New poker lingo:  any time you turned an underpair into a set after getting it all in is Cada-rize someone.