The Poker Bat Ain’t No Poker Brat But Still Loves to Whine…

The Bat hates many things in life.  MANY THINGS!  This probably comes from a childhood of being the first player out in every dodgeball game, a career .001 batting avegae in beer league softball, and once getting knocked out in a pillow fight with a five year old girl.  The Bat still contends that girl loaded her pillow with a years worth of Ivory soap bars.  Anyway, the Bat’s amassed almost as much anger as he has pant sizes in his every expanding quest to one day get picked up by a crane, even if it’s just to remove the Bat from his house.  The Bat hates even more things in poker games.

Okay, bashing the Bat isn’t fun for anybody especially when the Bat’s anger can be better directed at the table whisperers at every Texas Holdem table in existence.   You know who you are, you guys that cup your hand and spray gentle nothings into the guy or gal that has the misfortune of sitting next to you.  Then you rise up and sneer when the comment is done and shake your head with a mixture of sympathy and loathing or outright derision to your targets across the table.  There is a messageboard thread that has says Annie Duke is your queen leader in this type of behavior.  The Bat has never seen this first hand from the slow-rolled Apprentice runner-up but the Bat doesn’t doubt it could be true. 

You are a destestable lot.  The Bat, being naturally paranoid as a result of an upbringing devoid of ice cream except when scoops were stuffed down the back of his pants or more accurately his wedgies by bored lunch-ladies, has to think you are whispering about him.  The Bat doesn’t like you clowns, sitting in your little poker ivory towers dismissing the masses before you.  Even worse when you try to speak across the table and your inability to raise the modulation of your voice above a low mumble is more than grating.  All the Bat or anybody else can hear at the other end of the table is  “Zippety… pot odds… long weekend with wife’s sister… three bet… donk move… sippety… spiffety… spooh” 

 While low-talkers like loud talkers, close talkers, nonstop talkers, fake smile talkers (stop smiling already you can’t be that happy), are a social problem that should be rooted out of poker like people that lie and steal from their backers you are a step beyond. Low talkers are a well documented problem but you go further with your Top Secret comments made to either side.  As such you whispering, mumbling, (…I shall call you) secretive takers that can’t let out an audible syllable in a public place really goose the Bat’s tailfeathers not only for only being limited to speaking in your neigbors ears but for all the ills a low talker confers to a social situation. 

So secretive talkers if you are going to insult somebody or at least appear too, have some gumption and say it loud enough for everybody else to hear.  Don’t be a yellow-livered coward.   Why the hostility?  The Bat recently played in a game and every time a player acted he’d turn to his neighbor and coo whatever it was he had to say and they’d survey the table with beady condescing eyes.  Finally, the Bat had enough of that stubby fingered ear reach-around that was going on non-stop and demanded the dealer make all the player speak english.

The dealer looked at the Bat in confusion.  “English?”  he asked.  “Yessir!” the Bat responded.  “Everybody is…” he almost mocked the Bat.  “How do you know?  We can’t hear what those two lovebirds are saying to one another how do we know they are speaking English?” The dealer at the Bat’s urgings then started correcting the whisperers. And from this point on, anytime the Bat is in the presence of a secretive taker you’ll hear the Bat say “ENGLISH please!” The Bat recommends you do too.

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The Bat Rails about Rail Birds…

You know where you will never find the Bat? You won’t find in your chatbox after a Texas Holdem online tournament getting all gooey about a play the Bat’s friend made against you. You also want see the Bat leaning against a literal rail when the World Series of Poker comes to town. There is no such thing as a Rail-Bat and there never will be. There’s rail birds, jail birds, and jail bait and of the three the Bat don’t want no part of two, and he only wants some of third if no one is watching. Okay, the Bat don’t really want jail bait either, that was a joke, next thing you know that creepy guy that stalks creepy guys on NBC will be showing up at the Bat’s door.

The Bat hates the No Limit Texas Hold’em online railbirds the most. The live ones the Bat can tolerate. Usually, they are backing some dude that should have no chance to cash and got lucky, so god bless ya. You guys online are mostly just looking for a handout when your friend strikes it rich. God don’t bless ya so much. You know what Rail Birds figure out a way to win for yourself and stop polluting the chat boxes with you ramblings.

The Bat once was on his way to a nice online score and suddenly riding shot-gun in the side car were all these people the Bat had eliminated. The Bat does take kind to folks who butter-up looking for something in return. You kiss the Bat’s ass the only thing you get in return is coming from where you’re kissing. You beggers and fake fans are worse than the real fake beggars sitting on the corner hoping to get enough cash to make a drug score. Shame, because with times the way there are, there are going to be some good people in the need of help, and there will be a lot of bad people ruining the name of somebody in need of an honest hand out.

The Bat doesn’t want to get on a serious tip, the Bat wouldn’t be writing blogs if were to get on a serious tip, this is supposed to be fun, and berating the lowlifes and scallywags of the poker world is fun. So you railbirding beggars the Bat is calling you out.

Nobody is going to give a crumb to a gambler/card player in need of a crumb. What poker player is going to take out the checkbook and back a guy that needs backing for a $5 sit ‘n go or a $5 satellite unless something terrible happened. The Bat is all for giving people chances, second chances, and even third chances but don’t come begging asking for a stake for some low buy-in event and expect the Bat to want to take you on as a horse.

You can’t rub two nickels together to buy into a satellite the Bat ain’t rubbing two nickels together for you. That simple. If you were any good you would already be out of the hole by now. So next time the Bat’s chatbox blows up expect the Bat to tell you dweebs with out any concept of bankroll management to find some pride, stop begging, and get a real job.

The Bat’s got an ego on him, no doubt. The Bat always has had one, but the Bat remembers working hard to put together buy-ins for tournaments, going poker broke, and going real life broke and bouncing back. The Bat relied not on the charity of strangers but on the faith of friends who have seen the Bat’s success in poker before. Everybody has a downturn but don’t let yours turn you into a begging railtard.

The Poker Bat Ain’t No Poker Brat but Still Loves the Whine…

Yes, the Bat is back for the next installment in his award winning series on the most tilting things in poker and what gets the Bat in a mood every time he sets down to play Texas Holdem poker game.  Getting through this top 10 has been a bit of grind for the all knowing, all seeing, all feeling Poker Bat because even the Bat has limits.  To review the things that tilt the Bat in poker so far include in no order… Posers (because like actually models they have no worth) people that smell like death–to be precise like the actual smell you’d expect a skeleton with a syckle and a thin black robe that spends eternity ushering dead people from the here to the hereafter would smell, or more closely to home like cat piss and stale beer–, cleavage to nowhere, poker terms that are fishy like the term fishy, pointless debates, people that don’t have a clue how to tip, and online snobs.

Speaking of snobs its strange how close that word is too noobs yet snobs can’t tolerate noobs even if they once were.  Okay, now that the Bat has done the 12 days of christmas type in intro let the Bat get to the heart of the debate.  The Bat can’t stand… drumroll please….  brush with fame stories

Yes, your night in Vegas where you ran into Phil Ivey at the valet outside of the Rio on your way to another game of Omaha poker online while you were waiting for a cab and the man couldn’t get away from you doesn’t interest the Bat.  Here’s a newflash it doesn’t interest most people at the table.  In fact, the only people feigning interest in your attempts to name drop with a story that doesn’t go anywhere about a guy that didn’t give you the time of day are those waiting in the wings trying to one up you.

Oh you hung with Phil Ivey as he waited for his Bentley, well that schlub will now have to share with the whole table about that one time Doyle Brunson patted him on the backside and called him Missy when Doyle accidentally ran over the guy’s toe and the poor man screamed like a little, little girl.  Okay, probably the guy won’t be entirely honest and cop to the fact that Doyle’s scooter made him scream like a 12 year old Asian girl at a Justin Bieber concert (anybody else wonder if Bieber is just a lesbian dressing like a little boy and living out her ultimate fantasy–the haircuts are the same).  No, his retelling will probably have him outbluffing the Texas Dolly in a highstakes pot he entered by mistake. 

Those are worse than the fishing stories everybody tells around here.  When players actually play with their idols every story is either about the fish that got away or about the biggest most dangerous pot they every won–except they of course didn’t take a picture (threw the fish back).  The Bat simply doesn’t care that you once matched wits with Phil Hellmuth in a tournament or that you tried to tilt the 11 time bracelet winner.  Why?  Because the Bat knows it simply isn’t true.  Shut your yap about your idol and get back to playing poker and stop wasting everybody’s time with anectdotes that never happened.

We are at a poker table, debates or disagreements are bad enough, but throwing in some strangers quaint little tale about playing Gin Rummy with Toby Maquire just isn’t necessary.  Even worse is messing up the bio of the guy you are telling the story about.  “I once played online with Rush Hamilton he won the Main Event twice and was more well known as William Hung’s stunt double.”  Sure, sure you did.

Next thing you know the Bat will be hearing cryptic whoppers about online poker being rigged.  Anyway, the Bat is gassed, til next time when the Bat recounts his favorite tale about playing with the brooding Danny Masterson, his pal Fez, and Peyton Manning, adios.

The Poker Bat Ain’t No Poker Brat But Sure Loves to Whine AND Whine…

Okay the Bat hates top ten lists, so much so that the Bat almost doesn’t want to finish this top ten list.  That should be next on the Bat’s top ten list of things the Bat hates when the Bat decides to play Texas Hold’em poker–yes, the Bat hates lists about things bloggers hate in poker, including the Bat’s own list.  The Bat’s current list in no particular order except the one that Bat used last week People That Are Idiots and Don’t Have A Clue How to Tip (you suck, if you are idiot you suck more, if you just don’t have a clue how to tip and are not an idiot though one would imply the other you doubly suck), People That Reek Like A Corpse Just Hugged them, Broke Ass Posers, Fish terms like Fish (people that say them suck except for the Bat, the Bat never sucks), having Debates of any variety at a poker table (kind of like trying to reason with a stray dog), and last week’s Snot-Nosed Online Snobs.

That makes the magic number six. Four to go until the Bat can get back to talking about the things the Bat likes to do. Stacking people, Attacking people, and Rackwatching. Speaking of rack watching the four hundered pound Poker Bat has given everybody a candy apple of a treat this week. Enjoy. Course that brings up the Bat’s latest and maybe greatest disappointment and tilt-inducing gripe: the Misapplied Cleavage Tactic. Thankfully for the most part the Bat is sapred this when he plays poker tournaments online.

Okay, if you are young, hot, and buxom and you want the vertical space in between your Bubbies to be exposed to world via a low cut top preferably with a thin fabric, “Go for it!” the Bat says.  You have every right to disrupt the Bat’s game using your feminine wiles. Granted they aren’t the same “wiles” as it takes to win at poker but if you think physicality can win you pots in thinking Man’s game congrats you are something of a wily coyote.

Now, if you have that distorted body image where you think you sun-damaged, wrinkly, sagging, looses sacks of flesh need to be suggestive displayed to the world and you’ll get positivity out of that–think again. Sorry ladies, but a panty hose full of mash potatoes might get the men at your table more off their game than he meat puppets you are trying to show off.

Look, there is a freak for everything and the Bat is sure once in a blue moon a man might sit down and get so entranced by your saggy sugar mommas, that perhaps you get some long term benefit from the tactic, and maybe if you aren’t trying to be ironic, with yourself the butt of the irony, or if you know it tilts real men like the Bat then maybe you should stuff pancakes into a thinly insulated wonder bra (wonder if they are still in it or leaking like pudding) but if none of the above and you think you are being sexy please stop.

Look gravity happens to everybody and it sucks but we don’t have to share what sucks with the rest of the world. The poker table isn’t a chapel or a holy place so anything goes but please spare us that less than inviting lean over the table with a suggestive look in your eye when the Bat is in the hand. The Bat’s got to eat every couple of hours and you could ruin the Bat’s appetite for a couple of days.

Now, as stated the Bat and the male poker world genuinely welcome Candy Apples and hooters waitresses and well preserved cougars that can distract at the poker table, but for the love of Pete, you want every see they Bat in speedo or a man hammock at the Poker table, so keep you deflated saftey cushions to yourself.

The Poker Bat Ain’t No Poker Brat But Sure Loves to Whine

The Poker Bat likes to poker bitch it seems, so the Poker Bat is back to bitching because the Bat has a top 10 to finish and is no where near the finish line. Where was the Bat on the Bat’s list of 10 things that tilts the Bat incredibly when the Bat plays Texas Hold’em online. Okay, to review People That Don’t Have A Clue How to Tip (you suck), People That Smell Like Death Warmed Over (or Death cold, or Death hot, or Death at any temparture… you suck more), Posers (you suck more), Fish terms like Fish (people that say them suck) and having Debates of any variety at a poker table (fruitless endeveor). That’s five of ’em. Now for complaint number six.

Online snobs–Okay it’s not a complaint, but the Bat hates the Know-It-All online snot nosed kid snobs that talk about equity and calls monster draws the nuts when they aren’t, even if they are statistically favored over the current nuts. Make sense? No? Okay, talk to an online player and they might call an open ended straight flush draw with two overs as the nuts on the flop Fellas you need to Learn Texas Holdem if you want to start using the jargon. Granted it’s a favorite to just about any hand (though a dog to top set) but why call it the nuts?

Then, these online guys will sit there with their Skullcandy headphones pumping teen pop cheese into their head and subjecting the rest of us to Lady GagGag with their appalling inability to control the volume and then criticize people for acting out of turn. Look shorty, you have to be bumped twice when it’s your turn to act because “My Po-Po-Pokerface” is shaking everybody with the base from you head phones. Drinks are spilling because the volume is too loud.

It would be fine if they’d just take the Bat’s money without a comment except getting these people not to comment in live poker is like getting them to honor a 6 pm curfew. They should be at home popping their acne protrusions instead of felting the Bat. Worst is when they take your money betting the cum on their draws they always seem to hit and when the Bat is pot stuck to call their river bet they inform the Bat he should know better than to call there.

Now, let’s not get confused the Bat plays online poker. The Bat loves some online players and giggles at the Photoshops they make on their online poker forums. The Bat would be a photoshop legend if the Bat had a shop to take his photos to make all those cartoons and stuff. Those online players are all right with the Bat and they ain’t snobs. The rest of you jerkholes with your pithy responses and your comples -EV calculations can go find a degree in Rocket Science and build something worthwhile to jettison into space and maybe you can ride with it.

The Bat likes to mix it up and he welcomes online players that find the back bone and the strenght to mix it up but invariably these little footstools have neither the intestines nor the spine to get rough when collecting a debt. If the worst thing that can happen to the Bat if he didn’t pay back a spoilt 21 year old millionaire was to get ridiculed on a message board please send all your spoilt 21 year old millionaires a letter of introduction. Puh-leeze.

Again, this isn’t all the online players just the smarmy little tykes that a week ago stopped suckling their mommas teet and when they go broke just call Daddy for another deposit. You guys the Bat don’t like. Respect your elders and know your role at the poker table. K? The rest of you, thank you for being so polite when taking the Bat’s money. You just might get a return customer.