Pokerbat’s Mailbag a Mixed Bag

This week the Bat will take some time off from talking about how he likes to play online poker.  The Bat hasn’t been able to play poker of any sort with all the fishing he’s been doing and the hunting of the indoor variety but when the Bat does play poker online he’ll give you an update… more than just the hand histories one of the owners of GCP.Net put on his blog.  Did you see they finally moved the guy from Northern Louisianan up in the rankings.  Anyway instead of online poker play the Bat presents his mailbag which has swollen of late.  The Bat has a lot of fans but concedes one or two of these names may not be real. 

Dear Pokerbat:  I recently found your blog.  I regret it.  Sincerely, Man with whole brain.

Dear Man with whole brain:   The Bat says that’s understandable this material is for half-brains and half-wits, harebrains and dimwits, lamebrains and nitwits.  You may be more interested in the fare served at Eskimo Clark’s blog “Cold Decked in the 2000s” or the ever popular Doug Lee’s strategy sheet “Did You know the D was silent?  Confessions of a poker tool”

Dear Pokerbat:  I recently found your blog.  I wanted to ask you what your real picture looks like?  -Woman advocating the return of Cane (sugar to sodas).

Dear Woman advocating the return of Cane:  My picture looks like most pictures a white back, depending on the stock or the printer with a sheen or without.  The front has a colored (or a black and white) image of the Bat on it. That’s not what you meant is it?  The Bat is devastatingly handsome.  The Bat devastates too.  Did the Bat mention he’s handsome.  And by the way, the Bat loves your cause.  Did you know new coke was just the world’s greatest con to trick Coke drinkers into drinking a product made from corn syrup instead of cane sugar.

Dear Pokerbat:  I’ve noticed your mailbag has little to do with poker so far.  -Man with two brains.

Dear Man with two brains:  The Bat loved Steve Martin in you.  You are right the poker talk has been limited.  The Bat will get right on that.

Dear Pokerbat:  I have problems with big pairs. -Woman with black eyes and knee pain.

Dear Woman with black eyes and knee pain:   Big pairs?  The Bat assumes you jog a lot because of your injuries.  Okay, The Bat said the Bat would get back to poker.  Remember big pairs is a good starting hand and only that.  Playing them can be a handful if you don’t pay attention to the complexion of the flop.  You want to price out the chasers and not get married to the first big pair you get.  That is also a good rule in life.

Dear Pokerbat:  I played with you online.  You said you watch Survivor who do you think will win?  Man who thinks people who sign emails with Man or Woman followed by a description is inane.

Dear Man… inane:  I do enjoy Surivor.  Boston Rob who is a local tournament poker player has started off strong.  Hard not to root for him or Russell from Houston.  Strange thing is the grave digger from Louisiana seems like he’s on a roid rage (guess he didn’t get that figure digging graves) and he is just one of the “heroes” throwing away their reputation by behaving like the villains.  Also included are the kid from Mississippi and the Ben and Jerry’s Ice  Cream school dropout Rupert who both have a little snake in them.  The Bat is stunned Russell hasn’t already found an immunity idol and likes the Texan to win, but suspects somebody not getting much camera time will find away to be there in the end by laying low with all those alphas.

Dear Poker Bat:  You aren’t funny.  You talk in third person like you think you are T.O. or somebody and you probably suck moose ass as a poker player.  Somebody should take a ginzu knife to your kidneys.  Go find an animal hoarder and roll on their floor you goat choate.-Your fan.

Dear fan:  I know who you are.  Stop the hating, Mom.   I told you to stop reading my blog.

Poker Bat-tles Pyschics From Wisco

So the Bat went down to New Orleans, riding the Saints Euphoria and the Mardi Gras Madness to what was surely going to be a lucrative weekend.  The tables in Harrahs were jammed packed with bad players of all varieties.  Some of those fools need an explanation of the Texas Hold’Em Rules  and the Bat isn’t joking when he says that.  So juicy.   Meanwhile everybody talking about the Saints and after 10 hours of it, it stops being fun and starts being redundant.  The most used two words in the entire city were Brees and Drew.  Every woman in town is looking at the guy like he looks like the Poker Bat.

Surely, Mr. Brees has never experienced anything like this.  Wonder how Mrs. Brees feels about it?  Drew is becomming a superstar and seems like he got some sort of PR coaching on how to craft the perfect soundbite.  The women in this town are all gooey for the guy. 

The Bat hears that in all the hoopla about the SuperBowl the city went and hired a new mayor, or did the mayor hire the city is that how it works in New Orleans?  Guy has a very familiar name.  Seems like if the Bat were to run for office he’d have to get a familiar name too.  Wonder if Bat Nagin would have a chance.

You ever seen that Eddie Murphy movie “Distinguished Gentleman,” you know his bad movie.  Oh, that’s right Eddie Murphy only made four good movies and they all came out before 1987.  Well, in this one Murphy had the same name as the newly dead representative in Florida.  Playing off the bluehairs tendency to vote the name they know, Murphy ran for office and everybody voted him in thinking  the old guy hadn’t died.  His slogan was the name “The Name You Know.”  Seems like that would work in New Orleans, especially in Super Bowl week.

So as the table is discussing the new vibrancy of the city, the Bat is waiting for the dealer to give him a hand.  The Bat thought to himself things would sure get more “vibrant” if the Bat stopped looking at unsuited unconnectors with numbers on them.  Finally, the Bat got some money into the pot with 3 5 suited.  Flop comes 33K.  Tourists bets his king.  Bat smooth calls.

BLAMO!  5 on the turn.  Tourist bets his king, Bat raises, tourist ships it, Bat calls, Tourists turns over KQ triumphantly, Bat says EAT IT.  River ball a king.  Tourist says “I knew it!”

The Poker Bat isn’t one for pyschics at the Poker Table.  They can go down to the quarter and rob the half-wits telling them all these empty positive affirmations….  “Wow, how did that Gypsy know the Bat is smart?  The Bat is in a happy marriage (did the ring tip the vagabond off)?   The Bat cares about his children?  She’s so…. pyschic.”  So when these gypsys sit down at the table and start ranting and raving about knowing what’s coming the Bat asks them to tell the Bat what the Bat is thinking.  “Can’t get a read on that Mr. Cleo?  Well, it was Shut-The-Fuchs-Up.”

The dealer didn’t take kindly to the Bat spouting the F bomb.  The tourist was too drunk to care and took it a a joke.  So after the Bat basically waved the floor off it was go time again.   The Bat reloaded and in his mind he put a target on the Man Tits on the Psychic from Wisconsin in the two seat that just felted him.   Once again the Bat got the guy to put all his chips in bad.  JJ vs. AK on a AQ8 flop.

The Fat Boys long lost white cousin said ‘Well, I got a straight draw too.”

The Bat watched a 10 hit the turn.

The tourist laughed good-naturedly “I hope you get two pair.”  Oh… that one never wears out. 


The Bat rebought and said  “John Edward what is your future?”   The Man tried to apologize.

“Don’t worry one of us has a very  bright future… but only as long as you promise to stay,  can you do that?”

He did and the Bat proved he too was pyschic.