Poker Bat Chews Up Online Poker Aardvaarks

This past weekend The Bat went back to what The Bat does best…  play poker online.  It was dream because all these little fishies that try and play poker on the internets have no idea what they are doing.  The Bat keeps hearing about all these Ballas, these kids winning millions of dollars and spending it like they got billions of dollars yet the Bat can’t see anything but bad playas at every level. 

Recently, the Bat snapped off a kid named Appelfsh, from somewhere south of Transylvania, which means leafy, green Tranny country, and the kid went off on the Bat in the chat box.  “You play no good.  A$#RDHOLE!”  Okay, aardvaark the Bat’s putting you on notice.  He continued attacking the Bat which loyal bat readers would know is -EV.  “You chase, chase, chase, chase, chase”  then he did “CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC” for sometime.  The Bat giggled to the Bat’s inner self.  The Bat a chaser, har-har-har.  Maybe if the Bat didn’t have the implied odds because the aardvaark was sitting at 200 bbs the Bat wouldn’t have played K2 suited.  But the Bat knew if he hit, he’d snap a stack and that’s just what the Bat did.

The Bat channeled his Ed Hardy wearing, gel in hair, gel on hands, gel on keyboard, persona and got slimey on AppelFsh.  The Bat said, “It’s hard to chase a sitting duck.” 

He replied something like “Duck you.”

“Tired of getting stack by bad hands that “chase” aardvaark?  Learn how to play poker and how to fold a big hand!”  The Bat countered.

The kid disappeared from the virtual felt and the Bat went looking around for his next victim.  Blink, Blink went the little software in the corner that alerted the Bat that PeachfisterH20, another of the Bat’s favorite fishies had just jumped online.  It was turning into a good night.

The Bat found the night getting even better when the PeachfisterH20 started luckboxing his way to a big stack.  The Bat watched terrible play get rewarded and could hear Charles Barkley in the Bat’s head say, “That was just turrrrible, turrrible.”

PeachfisterH20 rarely chats but he couldn’t keep a lid on things when the following hand happened.  AgentOTown raised, PeachfisterH20 popped him and the Bat saw a salty, sultry, seductive 78 o/s.  Spicey.

The Bat called ready to snap an aardvaark.  Okay, the Bat knows you are asking.  Aardvaark?  Donkey is so arbitrary, so is fish, so this week all these online poker fools are aardvaarks.  You see they can’t can’t get away from AA they are blinded by it no matter the flop.  And even after they get stung by it, they’ll make the same mistake the next time the get AA.  Okay, that makes aardvaark less aarbitraary (so to speak) but generally these fools can barely see their own two cards much less check their side view or rearview mirrors to know a Mac Truck like the Bat is about to squash them.

That was happening to PeachfisterH20.  AgentOTown disappeared like a 90s boy band and the Bat was treated to this beauty of a flop J87 two spades.  PeachfisterH20 got peachy and overbet the flop with his obvious overpair.  The Bat now has two pair for those paying attention to this edge of your seat, white knuckle, catch your breath poker hand.

The Bat knows this aardvaark is just looking to end the hand now.  He probably doesn’t even realize 910 is already crunching him.  He just sees the spade flop and is scared of another shovel on the turn or the river.  The Bat thinks about shoving and says f it, move the slider all the way to right and let’s hope this holds.  Bingo, Blango, Bamoo, All-in, Call, brick, brick.  The Bat wins another pot and felts another fool.  Yes, he held AA.  Online poker is fun.

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