The Poker Bat is About to be Atwittering…

The Bat is going to sign up for a Twitter account to let you know his Texas Hold em poker ruminations.  Why?  Because the Poker Bat is big time.  BIG TIME.  He graduated from bwin poker school and now he’s going to consume the world.

Remember when Elvis Presley was king of Las Vegas, a guy who wore a girdle lest his sequined muffin top flop out causing his leather-esque jacket to ride up that belly, made by American staples like fried banana penut butter sandwiches and beer, and expose that gaping belly button.  Once freed it would open up a sprinkler of sweaty, stinky, belly button juice spraying outward with every hip gyration on the legion of female, formerly teenaged fans that fawned at his feet? 

When he was on stage his burly voice, stiff hair, bushy sideburns and swagger still made the ladies swoon like his torso’s containment wasn’t a miracle of innovation and akin to trying to stuff a buick into a gary coleman jacket.  When that gut was contained and those pipes were chirping he was still… Elvis.  Didn’t matter that pills had waged a war on his innards like a light saber slicing through a snow beast’s sternum to provide a Jedi safe harbor for a night on a snowy planet,  didn’t matter that Elvis was all shell and no man, he was still Elvis because he sounded like it. Didn’t matter if the fans swaying at his feet were swaying at the concept of what he used to be, they still swayed.

The Bat’s Twitter account and soon to be his millions of followers don’t care the man slinging words into the vastness of cyberspace, is no longer the young, hip, indefatiguable, lurid, virile (but not viral), template of poker masculinty, instead the Bat morphed into a flabby chuckleberry, with a future of cranes breaking into a house to hoist his ass to safety and away from the teenagers he bribes to deliver him Popeyes around the clock. 

Fat Elvis?  This is mortally obese Elvis.  That is the Bat’s future and he’s fine with it.  “Love that chicken from Popeyes!”  Course, nobody else, needs know that about the Bat.  Sure, as the Bat prepares to venture out in the Twitterverse you his loyal blog readers with your dime store understanding of his 0.25 cent words know who the mammonth of a man really is, but the rest of the world lies unsuspecting.  To them the Bat’s bluster will be authentic, he will be the man he used to be, the man that would bluff his entire bankroll and his buddies bankrolls on a hunch he could get his opponents to fold.

Twitter offers the Bat the chance to be that man again.  So the Bat will conquer twitter one retweet at a time.  Joe Seebok, a living breathing walking Greenstein grumper, poker-road CEO, and UB shill with more twitter followers than anybody else,  beware those heavy footsteps behind you is the looming giant ego of the Bat coming to swallow you up.  SeeBiscuit think you have a lot of twitter followers wait til the Bat does his best Sumo Wrestling move and simply falls on you.  Squish-Squash broken leg–you are going to the glue factory. 

It may take a year, it may take two, but the behemonth that is the Bat is soon to rule the Pokerworld in terms of followers.  When the Bat sets a goal, unless it’s a daily walk around the block, the Bat doesn’t let anything get in his way of reaching it.

Doesn’t matter that the Bat burns a bankroll quicker than Andy Dick a crackrock, the Bat always returns better and… bigger than before.  So yes,  as that crane looms over the Bat’s house, the Bat will be on his smart phone twittering some witticism that will have his lady fans thinking he’s still that cute, ironic, twenty-something he used to be and one day that will lead to the extra follower who will give the Bat supremacy in the poker twitterverse.

Phil Hellmouth, Daniel Negrunion, all you fools better watch out because the Bat says, “I think you hear me huffing, and I think I’m about to fall on all of you.”

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The Poker Bat Will Attack and You Don’t Want That! II

The Bat has so much good to say about the Brat, he of 11 Texas Holdem bracelets, and his leaving UB why not keep writing about it. You come to see what nugget of genius the Bat has turded onto this blog every week or so, and you care about Phil Hellmuth so the Bat will give his stable of low IQ readers more of what they love. You got another helping of the Bat’s thoughts about the Poker Brat. Look inebriated inbreds that make up the Bat’s readership understand, it can not be awesome reader mail every week, because the Bat has to count on you writing something legible or to figure out how to use your email often another to give the Bat something to answer.

Rumor had it that Philly had a stake in UB, but it’s doubtful any new deal with an established site will give him a piece of the pie.  An up and coming site, sure, but those usually don’t last too long.  As Deliverance Poker and the Mizrachis can tell you.  The Bat has to wonder why Phil, Doyle Brunson and Johnny Chan don’t open a site called 30+ poker. You really want to learn poker from the best?

Not for 30 year olds and over, though it would likely, successfully cater to that sub-group, but the 30+ would signify the number of bracelets they all wield. Doyle has Doyle’s room, and Chan has what All-In Energy Drink? Doyle’s Room is probably giving Doyle a little chunk of change but these three guys banded together are game-changers.

It’s not 2005, but for many older players that will be logging in once the restrictions are gone, poker is Doyle Brunson, Johnny Chan, and Phil Hellmuth. Hell, to those law-abiding or no law but still abiding citizens (and not in a “The Dude Abides” kind of way, in a “there is no law outlawing poker but the older folk will still abide by the law they imagine outlaws poker”) poker stopped in 2005. Amarillo Slim and TJ Cloutier could probably be milked out of the last of their brand value too. Not like they would spurn the offer.

It would kind of be a poker site for those new to computers but old to the game. The 30+ would also take into account that the threesome might still win more bracelets (don’t laugh) so why limit it to how many they have now and have to change the name later. Or if you don’t want to go whole hog and build an entire brand around it, why doesn’t an established site kind of create an legends league for players over 30.

Sure, the Bat’s readers are more interested in popping their face acne then popping into Hellmuth and Brunson’s hypothetical site, but there is probably a group clamoring for it. How many times has the Bat seen some old-timer clunkily look out of place on the virtual felt and in the chatbox as it is. Gotta be some money to made by pooling them all together and they can check every street to their Nittiest contentment.

Then the guys like Doyle, TJ, Phil would have hand again as they’d suddenly be comparatively aggressive. If you build it they will come. Then the question is would youngsters flock to that site because they think they can steamroll it. What a problem to have people flocking to a new poker site to play poker.

Never understood why sites hired winners, why not hire degens that are known to give away money to represent you. Okay, advertisement, this guy is forced to lose his paycheck every Tuesday from 5 to 10. First come, first serve. Seems like the powers that be got it backwards, who wants to play with the Best?  Better to play with the guys that still think they are the best.

Wassup WSOP–Dealers Choice

The PokerBat is excited.  The WSOP has kicked off, with the employee tournament.  They don’t give the winner a bracelet or a ring.  The Bat thinks they should give them something.  Maybe a gold cut card or tip glass.  BTW, who deals for the dealers.  And why don’t the dealers’ dealers get to play?

Imagine if they asked the players to do the dealing.  How many would be so chartiable to do that?  Could you imagine guys like Phil Hellmuth, or Scotty Nguyen taking 12 hours out of their life to deal for the dealers.  I’d bet if they gave people that cashed the option to tip and serve as dealers, many would give a smaller tip and sign up to deal for the dealers.  Then most would no-show.  Can you say the Bat doesn’t have faith in humanity.  Uh, scratch that the Bat doesn’t have faith in poker players.  Which is a shame because as Annie Duke said, “Poker players are awesome!”

The Bat doesn’t think this idea is that farfetched and would love to see it done.  The Bat thinks it’s the least poker players should do.  They’d regain their appreciation for the dealers, because even the former dealers that went on to fame as professional players have forgotten what it means to be a dealer and treat the staff poorly.  I wonder if dealers playing in such a tournament would scratch old scabs and return the surly treatment they’ve gotten from players if the situations happenend to be reversed.

Can’t imagine the players would be too happy about cards being thrown in their face.  This is something the WSOP should consider.  Perhaps, they could then solicit the dealers and staff, to rank the best players as dealers (…not dealers as players) and give maybe two Main Event seats to the highest ranking.  Freeroll the mainevent by dealing for the dealers.  Surely, some lesser pros would take the opportunity.  Plus, it’d be good pr for many of the bigger stars.  ESPN would certainly take some footage of that to splice into the main event.  The winning player could be called Dealer’s Choice or something like that.  Course many of the players might need a refresher course on Texas Hold’em rules.