Poker, Poker, Poker, relax for 5 Minutes, Poker, Poker, Poker

The Bat is a crass individual, we know this. He is a steaming pile of anger, heartache, dysfunction, and Texas Holdem poker game genius. The Bat finds it aggravating that the rest of the world hasn’t recognized the complex, tortured soul that should be dominating poker at every level. Well… except for the min stakes and low stakes… and for that matter, the Bat doesn’t need to dominate the medium stakes either… well, the Bat should be dominating poker at its highest level. The nosebleeds. The rest of you can have the other levels.

Course, the Bat doesn’t have a bankroll to go all Isildur1 on the rest of the World. The Bat would like a bankroll to sit down with Phil Ivey and Tom Dwan and teach them the meaning on sitting on a pile of dynamite when the other guy is holding a lit match because that’s what it feels like when you are in a hand with the Poker Bat. You think poop goes through a pigeon quick? Try to look into the Bat’s soulless eyes as he triples barrels you to kingdom come in a Pot Limit Omaha game.

With that public safety message out of the way, the Bat is so looking forward to the Harrahs event in December. The structures are fabulous, the noted Nolan Dalla’s tournament reports are first class, and the event runs as smoothly as any does down here. The Bat thinks he could dominate the best of the rest that will populate the fields. The Bats says the best of the rest, because the rest of the best are headed elsewhere.

The World Series of Poker Satellite Circuit has seen fit to cannibalize itself and compete with itself. Why not throw a tournament in New Jersey at the exact same time, where anybody with a glimmer of hope to make the National Freeroll, will go there instead. Or Foxwoods with Darvin Moon or wherever that fellow bumpkin is hosting an event. Plus, Tunica had or is having something.

Seems like you can go most of the summer without a tournament but you can’t go a couple of weeks in the winter and spring without them overlapping. The Bat thinks these casinos should pay attention to what the rest of the world is doing. Each is too busy peeing on their piece of the snow to look over their shoulder to see where everybody else is peeing. Don’t pee into the wind or in front of others peeing. Tournament directors and casino managers must like getting wet when they go to the bathroom.

Speaking of peeing, the Bat recently played all night in a marathon high-low session and despite tossing back a few sixers didn’t pee for 12 hours. See, a half-hour into the game the Bat looked in on the bathroom and it made a truck-stop stall look like a dinner plate. Bat couldn’t tell what the different shades of gunk and funk were, so the Bat decided to pass up the ol’ WC. Then when the Bat got in his car, all at once there was a pressure like the Bat’s never felt from his kidneys clear to his firehose. Bat tried to get out of the car and get back inside or at least make it to a bush, but before he could get gone he went, if you know what the Bat means. Literally, the door was open only a second before the floodgates were.

The Bat will be cleaning his vintage car for days now. But it smells like the stairwell of the Harrahs parking garage which is oddly appropriate as that is where the Bat is headed next.

Anyway, the Bat destroyed the poker game but the poker game arguably destroyed the Bat’s car.

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Poker Bat Chews Up Online Poker Aardvaarks

This past weekend The Bat went back to what The Bat does best…  play poker online.  It was dream because all these little fishies that try and play poker on the internets have no idea what they are doing.  The Bat keeps hearing about all these Ballas, these kids winning millions of dollars and spending it like they got billions of dollars yet the Bat can’t see anything but bad playas at every level. 

Recently, the Bat snapped off a kid named Appelfsh, from somewhere south of Transylvania, which means leafy, green Tranny country, and the kid went off on the Bat in the chat box.  “You play no good.  A$#RDHOLE!”  Okay, aardvaark the Bat’s putting you on notice.  He continued attacking the Bat which loyal bat readers would know is -EV.  “You chase, chase, chase, chase, chase”  then he did “CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC” for sometime.  The Bat giggled to the Bat’s inner self.  The Bat a chaser, har-har-har.  Maybe if the Bat didn’t have the implied odds because the aardvaark was sitting at 200 bbs the Bat wouldn’t have played K2 suited.  But the Bat knew if he hit, he’d snap a stack and that’s just what the Bat did.

The Bat channeled his Ed Hardy wearing, gel in hair, gel on hands, gel on keyboard, persona and got slimey on AppelFsh.  The Bat said, “It’s hard to chase a sitting duck.” 

He replied something like “Duck you.”

“Tired of getting stack by bad hands that “chase” aardvaark?  Learn how to play poker and how to fold a big hand!”  The Bat countered.

The kid disappeared from the virtual felt and the Bat went looking around for his next victim.  Blink, Blink went the little software in the corner that alerted the Bat that PeachfisterH20, another of the Bat’s favorite fishies had just jumped online.  It was turning into a good night.

The Bat found the night getting even better when the PeachfisterH20 started luckboxing his way to a big stack.  The Bat watched terrible play get rewarded and could hear Charles Barkley in the Bat’s head say, “That was just turrrrible, turrrible.”

PeachfisterH20 rarely chats but he couldn’t keep a lid on things when the following hand happened.  AgentOTown raised, PeachfisterH20 popped him and the Bat saw a salty, sultry, seductive 78 o/s.  Spicey.

The Bat called ready to snap an aardvaark.  Okay, the Bat knows you are asking.  Aardvaark?  Donkey is so arbitrary, so is fish, so this week all these online poker fools are aardvaarks.  You see they can’t can’t get away from AA they are blinded by it no matter the flop.  And even after they get stung by it, they’ll make the same mistake the next time the get AA.  Okay, that makes aardvaark less aarbitraary (so to speak) but generally these fools can barely see their own two cards much less check their side view or rearview mirrors to know a Mac Truck like the Bat is about to squash them.

That was happening to PeachfisterH20.  AgentOTown disappeared like a 90s boy band and the Bat was treated to this beauty of a flop J87 two spades.  PeachfisterH20 got peachy and overbet the flop with his obvious overpair.  The Bat now has two pair for those paying attention to this edge of your seat, white knuckle, catch your breath poker hand.

The Bat knows this aardvaark is just looking to end the hand now.  He probably doesn’t even realize 910 is already crunching him.  He just sees the spade flop and is scared of another shovel on the turn or the river.  The Bat thinks about shoving and says f it, move the slider all the way to right and let’s hope this holds.  Bingo, Blango, Bamoo, All-in, Call, brick, brick.  The Bat wins another pot and felts another fool.  Yes, he held AA.  Online poker is fun.

The Bat’s Pet Peeves

These are in reverse order.  It’s a countdown folks but not really.  Depending on the day any of these can be the most annoying when the Bat sits down to play texas hold’em. 

5.  Hygiene.  Pop a breath mint folks.  Brush your teeth twice a day if not more.  Floss, it’s good for your heart too.  Clean your beard, shampoo your hair and bathe.  It’s called a bathroom for a reason.  It’s not called a toilet room.  Bathe frequently.  Clean every nook and cranny, crack and crevice.  If you are going to play online texas holdem  don’t bathe, but when you are going to play texas holdem poker in a casino next to people, talk to them, mouth breathe, and in general bring a funk into a casino, don’t sit next to the Bat.  This can easily be my number one pet peeve.

4.    Taking your sweet time.  Like the look of the cocktail waitress, describing your bluff to your friend, eating at the table, texting somebody, whatever… Put your eyes back on the game.  You are there to play texas hold’em not to socialize.  Keep it moving and give the Bat time to gather all the chips.  Hey, there are no Oscars awarded either so save the Hollywooding for your community theater audience of five.

3.   Angle shooters.  You should be shot.  Nothing more needs to be said.  Your pump fakes, your chip tickles, swearing you are going to bet and not, you folks are scum and in the Bat’s crosshairs.  The Bat’s got a free texas hold’em lesson for you, if you don’t want to be a target at your table or in the parking lot don’t angle shoot.

2.  Mucking out of turn.  It does matter in texas holdem, don’t think that it doesn’t.  It effects how much somebody may bet and rewards an early position player a greater latitude in the range of hands he can play.  Betting out of turn is just as bad, but mucking, especially preflop can set off an avalanche of out of turn actions.  Don’t do it.

1.  The number one pet peeve in texas hold’em poker, one probably shared by many pros alike is the slow roll.  You have a top three or four hand don’t be bashful.  Unless Phil Ivy is lined up across from you, you likely have a winner.  If you get in a staring contest with a guy and it’s your turn to show… show it.  If the other guy shows, don’t grimace or show one card at a time, show them both and move on to the next hand.

Alpine Cup Finalists

According to bwin’s poker blog (http://www.bwinpokerblog.com/ ) focusing on online poker tournaments, bwin’s top three finishers in their December 27th Alpine Cup texas holdem finals are kingmemo36, Hydro8, and Don Cool. They, as the latest members of bwin, can claim their $8,000 online poker prize package and get a ski/snowboarding weekend fit for poker royalty. PokerNews teamed up with bwin to reward these guys with a package at the PokerNews Cup Austria.

The PokerNews Cup Austria is held at Salzburg’s Concord Card Casino. The winners that make up Team bwin have won accommodations in the posh Alpine Palace nestled in the awe-inspiring Austrian Alps. The bwin Team is in for a luxury trip combining first class poker with winter fun. How to qualify now! The qualifiers run from now to early Febuary.

Here is what the $8,000 PokerNews Cup Premium Package includes;
• 7 nights luxury accommodation at the 5 star Alpine Palace
• Buy-in to the PokerNews Cup Main Event and 1 side event
• Flights and spending money
• Ski pass for the duration of your stay
• VIP shuttle from Salzburg to Alpine Palace with return by helicopter
• The VIP treatment including a spa treatment and invite to the VIP Welcome Party

Kingmemo36, Hydro8, and Don Cool join previous winners mazlumb2, liverpool170, and mr.Schne for a fun-filled weekend. The action was fast and furious and it took a bad beat for the winners to get their prize money as badblatt61, the bubble boy, got it all in with pocket Queens only to have the dominated pocket 10s of Kingmemo36 set up on the flop. The set held and badblatt61 was bad beated and sent home. He got a final ticket and $241 in cash for 4th. The top three are jet-setting though.

Kingmemo36 ran well with pocket 10s as he also knocked out the fifth place finisher, Playboy Royal, with them too. Playboy had 8s and hit his set on the flop, but Kingmemo36 also hit his set and Playboy, who was the chipleader at the beginning of 5 handed play was drawing thin and then sent to the rail.

Lady Gaga

Yesterday I was thinking, I would love to see a club song about Poker. Preferably, sung by a woman in a skimpy outfit, some mumbling, and maybe centering on a poker face.

Today what do I see but a Poker Face video that is lighting the internet afire. Or not.
Anyway, today I did discover Lady Gaga playing poker and singing about it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyDRbp1ZPp8.

Who is Lady Gaga?

She looks like Christina A except a little more brutish or manish. She’s a club diva.

And from the song you can tell, she wants to “Holdem like they do in Texas.”

She’s also “bluffin with her muffin.”

The music is a little Gwen Stefani and a little Black Eyed Peas mixed with a club band. Now, this isn’t really my kind of music, though I do like the idea of bluffin’ with her muffin. It’s a catchphrase I will repeat everywhere I go. It went over great at Christmas with the grandparents.

Also, of note is the fact, the table she is playing at in the video, not that you’ll notice, but it is adorned with a huge bwin logo. I like it. That’s where I play.

This isn’t the best poker song out there but it does share one thing in common with another Euro club song about Poker, it gets in your brain and infects you from the inside out. Of course I’m talking about, the neo classic 95 Rocks Poker Song, “I Call You With Ace High”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKWaFqunGFA. Instead of saying “I win with the Ace High, Ye-ah, yeah,” or “There’s no luck” in moments of boredom your brain will endlessly repeat “mum-mum-mum my poker face” after listening to Lady GaGa. That’s not necessarily a good thing, I know.

However when I play online texas holdem my iPod whenever it’s on shuffle seems to seek out the Ace High song and other ditties I downloaded as a joke.

Some other poker songs?

Of course there is Kenny Rogers the Gambler. Yes, some truth in there. “You gotta know when to fold them and when to holdem.” I doubt Kenny’s man would be holding Ace High in the showdown like the Eurodonks in the great video linked above. It’s maybe Kenny’s best song though the “Coward of The County” is tough to beat.

This one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7PIjBr2LMw is only good that they dedicate it to TJ.

Marcel Luske of Holland took his crooning from a table distraction to an authentic poker song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jlocf-4hFK8&feature=PlayList&p=6941258FBD6A4425&index=0&playnext=1 “Poker, Poker, Poker everybody plays poker… these days.” Marcel should stick to his day job. He still gets to sing there so it’s plus ev.

So in short, it’s not too hard to be a good poker song. Outside of the Gambler there really isn’t too much competition. Is Lady GaGa’s a good tune. I’m still repeating that inane chorus. So maybe.

The Aussie Millions Winners

Unfortunately I did not advance deep  to the finals stages of the Aussie Millions to win the $18,000 play texas hold’em prize package offered on PokerRoom ( http://www.pokerroom.com/promos/right-now/aussie-millions-how-to.html).  However, I must send out my congratulations to those that did including ChipLieder85, AmazingRiver, and CorpseGR.

Can’t beat the systems or the variety of means to get there. ..  

You can start in the Lucky Dollar level, where $1.00 + $0.10 gets you a chance to advance to the next level playing Texas Holdem online, $15 +$1.50, and from there $69 +$6.  Win a seat there and it gets you into the equivalent of a $500 +$40 buy-in.  Remember how Chris Moneymaker won big at the WSOP, same principle to get there.  Shannon Shorr of the Gulf Coast started his career with qualifiers to the Aussie Millions and then crushed the field once he got there. 

You could also have won the Big Bounty event which paid the top two places with the $18,000 packages and give you the opportunity to win $100 for each Team PokerRoom member you knocked out.  Then there was the Mobile Millions online texas hold’em poker challenge (http://www.pokerroom.com/promos/right-now/aussie-millions-mobile.html), and coming soon the Leaderboard Challenge and the Sit ‘n Go Jackpot.  All great wins to win the prize package.  There is another qualifier starting tonight. 

I hope to play tonight.  I have had a good streak going on this site and think I can advance past the early levels.  I’ve seen how hard Will Souther is working on a similar structure and I know it’s a challenge.  But it’s a fun one.   Pretty soon, I hope to be reporting from Melbourne.  Just as long as my big cards hold and my little ones improve.

Congrats to the Aussie Millions Poker Prize Package Winners

The Poker Room (http://www.pokerroom.com) has out done itself with qualifiers to the Main Event of the Aussie Millions (http://www.pokerroom.com/promos/right-now/aussie-millions/). You can play online texas holdem all the way to Melbourne. Their poker prize package now includes: $10,500 (Australia) buy-in to the Texas Hold ‘Em Main Event, $2,200 buy-in (AUS) to a six handed event, 11 nights at the posh Crown Victoria hotel ($4,000 U.S), and $3,000 (U.S.) expense money.

They have a few different ways to play poker to get there. Unfortunately, I have yet to advance deep in the Lucky Dollar online poker play qualifiers. With them basically you can get in cheap to the first level of satellites by playing a $1.10 qualifer and go up a ladder of events ($15 +$1.50, $69 +$6, $500 +$40). This is the type of way Chris Moneymaker qualified for the WSOP Main Event. One day he decided to play poker online in a small qualifer and kept advancing until he won his seat. The rest they say is history. I also read that Shannon Shorr started his texas holdem career at the Aussie Millions by progressing up a ladder of qualifiers. Once in Melbourne he crushed the the texas hold’em tournament.

I like Poker Room because they have 4 or 5 different ways to get to the main events of global poker tournaments. For the Aussie Millions, they also had the Mobile Millions (you can play mobile poker), a Bounty Tournament, and coming soon a sit ‘n go challenge and a leaderboard challenge.

 There is another tournament tonight which I might take a shot at.

Hopefully, you’ll read a blog post from me in Melbourne sipping a frothy beer if I do advance.