PokerBat ain’t so nuts about the nuts…

The PokerBat ain’t quite old enough to have played Texas Hold’em poker when the nuts literally meant the nuts. The Bat has played some pool games where car keys were thrown on the table as stakes but WAY back in the day the nuts used to mean the nuts from the wheels of your wagon. You’d only put those on the table if you had just about an unbeatable hand. Since then the nuts has morphed into the best possible hand. The Bat is old, but not that old you Internet ingrates.

The Poker Bat has evolved with the times, a tad bit better than Daniel Negreanu to say the least. The Bat knows how to use a laptop, an iPod, an iPad, and an iPeed. You youngin’s don’t know what an iPeed is but it’s basically a diaper for us older folks. Anyway while on this crazytrain of information they call the world wide web, the Bat reads ESPN’s got a new rankings of players. They call it the Nuts.

You’d think it’d be Mike Matusow, Mike Caro, the Tiltin Texan from GCP, Soheil Shamseddin, and Shaun Deeb, but you’d be wrong. The Bat gets that the Nuts is supposed to be the absolute best players. They are the Nuts. In first place they got Phil Ivey. Does this guy have an detractors? Does anybody have a bad word to say about him? The Bat doesn’t like unainomousness or unaminity or if you are a stickler for spelling everybody agreeing if you know what the Bat means. Even if the Bat can’t support it the Bat is going to take Phil Ivey’s number ranking to task.

Phil Ivey ain’t the best player in the world because the Bat sez so. Jason Mercier is ranked number two. This guy is a gulf coaster, and even though the Bat can’t get any respect from Gulf Coast Poker.NET (when will the Bat be at the top of the blog list where the Bat belongs) he has to agree this guy is one of the top players from our region. He tore up Europe and now he’s back in the States doing the same thing. He’s also a luckbox and he must have sat on a pile of horseshoes and picked up a couple without using his hands. The Bat likes the kid but lucky doesn’t cut.

Third place on the nuts, which should be that quack, quack guy Paul Magriel, is Tom Dwan. This elf/vampire/future James Bond villain is sicko but he ain’t the third best player in the world. Win some tournaments kid then we’ll talk, if Phil Hellmuth has taught us one thing it’s that tournaments are the true indices of brilliance in your own mind. Stop talking about people’s ranges and try not to look so white when bluffing, and get outside of a casino or away from a computer screen every once in a while. And this Pot Limit Omaha thing you got going give it up. That game is immoral.

Daniel Negreanu in fourth? Rigged.

Carlos Mortensen in fifth? The Bat moves the Matador to first place. Dude is unstoppable when he cares and was the first to win the triple crown.

Scott Seiver in 6th? Okay, this guy and Noah Schwartz should make a movie together. They should call it Superbad. I don’t know if Seiver, though funny, is even the best SS in the world. Soheil Shamseddins, Shannon Shorr, Steve Sung, Shane Schleger, this is a borderline epidemic in alliteration. Nazi Germany didn’t have that many SS’es. It’s the new Phil of poker.

Daniel Alaei in seventh. The Bat says move this joker up to 2nd. Apparently, he can ball in it all.
Patrik Antonius is eighth. Until the Swede or Fin or Dane or whatever he is finishes the Durrrr challenge he should be barred from top ten lists. The Bat doesn’t like those that dilly or those that dally.

Wow, looks like the Bat is only half-way through his post, better make it a two parter like everybody else seems to be doing these days.