Meep, Meep, Learn how to be the Poker Bat,

Bat’s random Holdem poker thoughts…

The Bat loves it when a guy is bluffing with the best hand then turns that sumbitch over like he just stole the crown jewels of Denmark.  Nice try alligator face but you can’t show up someone when every draw misses and even if you checked it down you still would have won.  Even worse if there is some value for the idiot to check for showdown.  The Bat’s not writing this blog to educate you unwashed masses on the importance of show-down values there are plenty of other places to read about poker strategy like Brandon Jarret’s blog, but since some of you come here to get a kernel of knowledge from the Colonel of poker here are some freebies…   

Use these with descretion, but you folks clean your laundry downstream of a Union Carbide plant so the Bat realizes that’s going to be difficult for you, but try.  And most of these don’t deal with online poker tournaments but maybe you’ll have better luck with them than The Bat has. The Bat thinks the worst spot to be on the poker table is in the big blind.  The Bat knows many of you get taken by the fact you should defend your big blind at all costs.  Why play a big pot from there out of position?  Yes, that’s the conventional question and it’s answer is conventional wisdom.  But you start listening to conventional wisdom and you’ll never play a big pot.

If the pipsqueak to your right tries to get frisky a couple of times in a row, by the way what table are you playing on these days where pots are unopened to the blinds mulitple times, just fire back at him with a five x raise of his raise and immediatly start whispering “Do it… Do it…  Do it…” while caressing the rest of your chips.  Make sure the caressing is perverted… not menacing.  That’s very important.   Then ship it regardless of what the board comes if he checks… and he will check every single time.  Five times out of six you are welcome.  The other time you try it and it fail don’t come complaining back to the Bat.  You lost the hand because the guy could smell Coyote on you from a mile away and he went Meep Meep.

When you succeed quote the Devo song “Whip it” preferably these lyrics “Whip it, Whip it good” in as soft a voice that he can still hear, as you pick up your new chips.  Then wink at the guy and hold the eye shut for an awkwardly long time, almost like you’ve forgotten how to open it again.  Then the rest of the session look at him and make a slow, painful looking wince as you shut the eye, as if simply looking at him causes half-blindness.

Playing from the button is one of the most powerful spots on the table.  Problem is everyone knows that so it’s harder to steal from, but everybody knows that now, so you can steal again, as most people rate you as having hand.  Yet, in poker when you zig like Zig Ziglar you want them to think you are zagging likw Adam Morrison, so the Bat advocates stealing from the button at your lesiure.  Three bet, open raise, and if the feeling gets you call, and bet any unopened pot postflop.  Once you’ve done this a few times somebody is ready to look you up.

Now, you gotta channel the spirit of somebody a lot braver than you are, and since you have the courage of a stuffed animal and the imagination of a math teacher, the Bat gives you permission to imagine you are the Bat.  Your skin is invulnerable, you have a titanium hide, and you crush all players.  It’s fun to be the Bat.  Anyway, once they are ready to look you up, even more reason to bet.  Find those two pound weights that now chafe your upper legs, Pokerbat, and bet Ming the Merciless-ly.  They want to play back but they wonder if this time you got the hand.

Then stomp on their soul, by humming Lady Gaga’s pokerface and indicating you are going to muck as soon as the flop is dealt.  If they bet, pull back your cards and raise them, hum louder.  If they don’t bet, simply bet.  When they fold, then wink… and, again hold that eye shut so long, somebody thinks you are about to have a seizure, and then huskily whisper “I’m the Poker Bat…”

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