Nutria, Lions, and Gazelles

Bat and Nutria in skinnier daysFresh from a World Series of World Class ass stompings the Bat is going to answer some reader mail…  Don’t get you pasties in a tizzy, this is a legitimate request for a hand analysis…
Granted anything in a (xxx) are the Bat’s words not this reader…
“OK, so here is the hand I mentioned on your voice mail the other day (when I begged you to give me a morsel of that Bat knowledge because you, the Bat, are a poker legend, part myth, part reality, 100% genuis).

There’s a raise to 8 or 10 and a few callers. I’m in the SB and look down at KK. I raise to 36 and 2 people call. Flop comes 5,5,10 with 2 diamonds. I lead out for $75. First guy folds. Next guy, who is the only guy at the table who has me outchipped (I began the hand with about 600, he had about 900) makes a raise to $275 (so you got 500 left and he’s put half of that in.  He just pulled up to your driveway with some Bisquick, some Nutria, and a shotgun.  Time my friend to make some dumplings)
Backstory on the table and this guy. He was big stack when my table broke and I was moved to this table with 400, I took a nice pot from him when I flopped top set and turned a boat and let him lead three streets and then popped him on the river (Why do the pulling when the donkey does the pushing?  Back in the old days we used to call donkeys producers, sharks were wolves, and suckers were lambs.  You’d shear a lamb but never skin him.  These days its donkeys and fish.  Tomorrow they’ll be Lions and Gazelles.  They may run fast but they are still just dinner to the Bat, and you always have to pay the Lion). He was yapping at me then that he had the best hand and I came back at him and we hadn’t played a hand since (maybe a half hour or so). 
So with this bet, I think he has a hand (or he’s steaming and stealing like the sharps used to do on the riverboats) and I’m trying to figure out if he’s trying to get back at me, or as I suspect, he has hit the flop big and is banking on me calling/shoving (sorry dear reader he’s banking on you folding, even through the email the Bat can smell the larceny.  It’s  a gift the Bat has like a drug sniffing dog at an airport the Bat can smell 1 part B.S. per 1,000,000) . I can’t give him credit for AA since he would have reraised the $8 and certainly would have reraised the $36 (with a caller) preflop. So I tank and ask him if he has A10. After a bit he asks for a clock and says that I’m just going to fold (in my opinion trying to make me call) but the dealer won’t give it to him since he’s in the hand. The floor comes over and gives the clock to him (the Bat has a simple rule for people calling the clock… they get clocked for reals).
So I fold the KK, don’t show and he mucks facedown, which I take to be a real hand, I think there’s nothing he would have liked better than to show me a bluff or some kind of small hand (good point, but he likely had JJ). If I call the flop, I have to call the turn, which is almost certain to be an all in (yes, once you’ve called the flop you’ve made the correct decision he’s on garbage again, so let him shove the run and snap him like crisp bacon).
1.  The Bat has a lot of thoughts.  So many thoughts in fact, the ones he discards could fill a library of knowledge and advance mankind a 100 years.  Course the Bat doesn’t burden himself with man’s plight, solving the debt ceiling, the energy crisis, and answering the age-old question is Oprah really gay, because the Bat has better things to do… like getting all the answers on the Family Feud correct to a percentage point, and figuring out the best way to stores sock in a suitcase (the answer is line the perimeter, on their side, with them unfolded… you’re welcome).  As for thoughts on your question beyond the answers in green here they come brace yourself:
2.  Always go broke with KK on a paired board that is two to a flush.  Who cares if your very action announced that you have an overpair and some sucker is trying to stack you.  You show those gentlemen you aren’t folding Gold, when some rube has put you on AK and you collect the chips.  Plus he thinks you got none of it and all he has is a lousy flush draw.
3.  Some dude calls clock on you, retaliate, next time action is on him, call
clock.  Preflop, anytime literally anytime he pauses, and don’t say “Clock?”   and look to the dealer for permission, be the alpha male and say “Clock!” assertively as though it’s the only possible statement.   Always, act stunned, surprised, and confused when he gets upset.  When he keeps arguing and he will turn to the dealer and shrug saying  “This is why I called clock.” 
 He’ll really get incensed and say he’s only taking this long because you called clock, don’t let the perfect logic get in the way of needling this jackhole, point to watch and say “fold, already, this is ridiculous, I may have to call the floor.”  Surely, this will get the guy to stew longer, saying something like “Please call the floor.  I will call the floor.” 
 Turn and wink at the rest of the table whether they are on your side or most likely not.  For no  reason, at all other than the fact, winking can be fun.  When the floor gets there, simply say, “It’s been five minutes for this guy to act.  He probably doesn’t even have a hand.  How can he make a decision this long.” 
Ignore all questions about the insta-clock and keep insisting on focusing on the real time that has since transpired.  Then when cornered make the absolutely true statement “I called clock because I anticipated exactly this would happen.  This has taken forever can he please act.”
4.   Tell him he hoodwinked you but to be careful because you murdered your grandmother for less.

Poker Bat Battles the Riff-Raff Mailbag August 2010

The Bat gets some emails ,some of them touting the Bat’s innate ability to play poker and some of them questioning it.  You don’t have to be a 300 pound man chained to computer monitor to understand the Bat’s greatness but apparently some of these scum-muffins can’t recognize the obvious, that the Bat is poker’s gift to the world and the Bat’s gift is poker.  Wrap your heads around that one but understand this if you have a Texas Holdem game you don’t want the Bat sitting at it.

Enough of the enough, let’s get to the mailbag:

Gamey in Vicksburg writes: I understand some of you GCPers have dropped by our local casino. Do the rest of the folks on that site play as bad as it sounds like you do. I love reading your blog to laugh at what a self-centered, self-absorbed, self-delusional idiot that you are. Do you have any clue how to play poker? My favorite player is John Juanda and I prefer the term flapjacks to pancakes, you?

Gamey, the Bat thanks you for reading. The Bat has no idea what you are talking about, but excels at poker and if forced to chose between the two would eat both pancakes and flapjacks.

Orney in Orlean Parish: Dear Poker Bat, I think the Budweiser Real Men of Genuis should do a song about fat guys from upstate that think they can play poker but really are just dead money, fish at the table, donkeys off it, and talk about themselves in third person. My favorite player is Fred Berger.

Hey Orney, the Bat agrees with you. The Bat plays upstate and sees a lot fat guys that think they know what they are doing but are just donators you know. If you read the Bat’s blog you should know the Bat doesn’t like terms like fish or donkeys but the Bat will give you a pass because you make a good point. Only murkey area is the Bat doesn’t know any players that talk in third person.

Eager in Iberville writes: Hey Bat, you sloth paced, owl faced, feeble-minded ingrate, stop polluting the internet. Your blog is like an oilspill on humanity, and like BP all your ineptitude has done has made things worse rather than better. A player reading your blog for strategy has a better chance to squeeze a can of Crisco in their ears, something you probably tried when your mouth was otherwise occupied squeezing two cans of lard in it, than they do at learning anything slightly useful as it comes to poker. Do you even know how many cards are in poker deck? Just do us all a favor and stop writing. Sometimes you watch a movie because it’s so good, sometimes you can’t stop watching because it’s so bad you start to enjoy it, reading your blog is like neither, it’s like watching a car crash in morbid curiousity and then being repelled by the death and destruction it causes. My favorite player is Walter Chambers.

Dear Eager: I wish you a freak accident lightening stike that melts your IPod headphones into your earholes, permenantly charges your iPod to last forever, and to be stuck on any song by Shakira until you die a slow, painful and embarrassing death maybe slowly getting eaten by escalator. I wish you a lifetime of early poker success only to be eliminated on every bubble you make it to, and only for you to get stacked on every big pot you play in when you were thinking about picking up in cash games.  And thanks for reading!

Monty in Hockessin, Delaware writes: Poker Bat! Keep up the good work, you are my idol. My favorite poker player is Jennacide.

Thanks Monty, that made my day. Haters are going to hate, but as long as some readers like you are out there it makes it all worthwhile.

Monty in Hockessin, Delaware writes: Actually you suck! My favorite player is still Jennacide. That’s a blue hen!

Til next time.