Yes, the Bat is back for the next installment in his award winning series on the most tilting things in poker and what gets the Bat in a mood every time he sets down to play Texas Holdem poker game. Getting through this top 10 has been a bit of grind for the all knowing, all seeing, all feeling Poker Bat because even the Bat has limits. To review the things that tilt the Bat in poker so far include in no order… Posers (because like actually models they have no worth) people that smell like death–to be precise like the actual smell you’d expect a skeleton with a syckle and a thin black robe that spends eternity ushering dead people from the here to the hereafter would smell, or more closely to home like cat piss and stale beer–, cleavage to nowhere, poker terms that are fishy like the term fishy, pointless debates, people that don’t have a clue how to tip, and online snobs.
Speaking of snobs its strange how close that word is too noobs yet snobs can’t tolerate noobs even if they once were. Okay, now that the Bat has done the 12 days of christmas type in intro let the Bat get to the heart of the debate. The Bat can’t stand… drumroll please…. brush with fame stories.
Yes, your night in Vegas where you ran into Phil Ivey at the valet outside of the Rio on your way to another game of Omaha poker online while you were waiting for a cab and the man couldn’t get away from you doesn’t interest the Bat. Here’s a newflash it doesn’t interest most people at the table. In fact, the only people feigning interest in your attempts to name drop with a story that doesn’t go anywhere about a guy that didn’t give you the time of day are those waiting in the wings trying to one up you.
Oh you hung with Phil Ivey as he waited for his Bentley, well that schlub will now have to share with the whole table about that one time Doyle Brunson patted him on the backside and called him Missy when Doyle accidentally ran over the guy’s toe and the poor man screamed like a little, little girl. Okay, probably the guy won’t be entirely honest and cop to the fact that Doyle’s scooter made him scream like a 12 year old Asian girl at a Justin Bieber concert (anybody else wonder if Bieber is just a lesbian dressing like a little boy and living out her ultimate fantasy–the haircuts are the same). No, his retelling will probably have him outbluffing the Texas Dolly in a highstakes pot he entered by mistake.
Those are worse than the fishing stories everybody tells around here. When players actually play with their idols every story is either about the fish that got away or about the biggest most dangerous pot they every won–except they of course didn’t take a picture (threw the fish back). The Bat simply doesn’t care that you once matched wits with Phil Hellmuth in a tournament or that you tried to tilt the 11 time bracelet winner. Why? Because the Bat knows it simply isn’t true. Shut your yap about your idol and get back to playing poker and stop wasting everybody’s time with anectdotes that never happened.
We are at a poker table, debates or disagreements are bad enough, but throwing in some strangers quaint little tale about playing Gin Rummy with Toby Maquire just isn’t necessary. Even worse is messing up the bio of the guy you are telling the story about. “I once played online with Rush Hamilton he won the Main Event twice and was more well known as William Hung’s stunt double.” Sure, sure you did.
Next thing you know the Bat will be hearing cryptic whoppers about online poker being rigged. Anyway, the Bat is gassed, til next time when the Bat recounts his favorite tale about playing with the brooding Danny Masterson, his pal Fez, and Peyton Manning, adios.