Okay the Bat hates top ten lists, so much so that the Bat almost doesn’t want to finish this top ten list. That should be next on the Bat’s top ten list of things the Bat hates when the Bat decides to play Texas Hold’em poker–yes, the Bat hates lists about things bloggers hate in poker, including the Bat’s own list. The Bat’s current list in no particular order except the one that Bat used last week People That Are Idiots and Don’t Have A Clue How to Tip (you suck, if you are idiot you suck more, if you just don’t have a clue how to tip and are not an idiot though one would imply the other you doubly suck), People That Reek Like A Corpse Just Hugged them, Broke Ass Posers, Fish terms like Fish (people that say them suck except for the Bat, the Bat never sucks), having Debates of any variety at a poker table (kind of like trying to reason with a stray dog), and last week’s Snot-Nosed Online Snobs.
That makes the magic number six. Four to go until the Bat can get back to talking about the things the Bat likes to do. Stacking people, Attacking people, and Rackwatching. Speaking of rack watching the four hundered pound Poker Bat has given everybody a candy apple of a treat this week. Enjoy. Course that brings up the Bat’s latest and maybe greatest disappointment and tilt-inducing gripe: the Misapplied Cleavage Tactic. Thankfully for the most part the Bat is sapred this when he plays poker tournaments online.
Okay, if you are young, hot, and buxom and you want the vertical space in between your Bubbies to be exposed to world via a low cut top preferably with a thin fabric, “Go for it!” the Bat says. You have every right to disrupt the Bat’s game using your feminine wiles. Granted they aren’t the same “wiles” as it takes to win at poker but if you think physicality can win you pots in thinking Man’s game congrats you are something of a wily coyote.
Now, if you have that distorted body image where you think you sun-damaged, wrinkly, sagging, looses sacks of flesh need to be suggestive displayed to the world and you’ll get positivity out of that–think again. Sorry ladies, but a panty hose full of mash potatoes might get the men at your table more off their game than he meat puppets you are trying to show off.
Look, there is a freak for everything and the Bat is sure once in a blue moon a man might sit down and get so entranced by your saggy sugar mommas, that perhaps you get some long term benefit from the tactic, and maybe if you aren’t trying to be ironic, with yourself the butt of the irony, or if you know it tilts real men like the Bat then maybe you should stuff pancakes into a thinly insulated wonder bra (wonder if they are still in it or leaking like pudding) but if none of the above and you think you are being sexy please stop.
Look gravity happens to everybody and it sucks but we don’t have to share what sucks with the rest of the world. The poker table isn’t a chapel or a holy place so anything goes but please spare us that less than inviting lean over the table with a suggestive look in your eye when the Bat is in the hand. The Bat’s got to eat every couple of hours and you could ruin the Bat’s appetite for a couple of days.
Now, as stated the Bat and the male poker world genuinely welcome Candy Apples and hooters waitresses and well preserved cougars that can distract at the poker table, but for the love of Pete, you want every see they Bat in speedo or a man hammock at the Poker table, so keep you deflated saftey cushions to yourself.