Poker BATting .400

Christmas is one of the Bat’s favorite holidays it’s right up there with Halloween and eating gobs of candy, with Thanksgiving eating gobs of Turkey, and Valentine’s Day eating gobs of chocolate.  Course the Bat likes to fry a christmas goose.  Tip one for frying your own goose.  Like Duck, Goose is a meat best eaten rare or medium rare. 

It’s a tasty bird, a tasty, tasty bird.  During the holidays while the Bat is ready to cook his goose, the Bat plays some online poker tournaments.  The Bat kills online poker, KILLS it.  At least of late.  The Bat’s favorite game is playing six handed.

After the Bat turns the crank on the old Commodore 64 to get it up and running he turns to his mac and plays some real poker.  The Commodore 64 is like the world’s biggest paperweight.  Though the Bat is a bit of nostalgist.  Anyway, the Bat digresses.  When the Bat sits down to play poker online, the Bat is fully aware he’s going to kill it.

Depending on the site, the Bat has careful notes about all of his opponents.  At least the Bat did until he heard so called Data Mining is illegal.  The first thing the Bat did was shred all the paper evidence of the data mining, then the Bat emailed his friends and told them to not do it, and then the Bat took a big magnet to his computer to clear any evidence… um… data that might have been mined. 

The Bat can’t believe this Isildur1 vs. Brian Hastings vs. the online poker player’s world.  What?  Isildur1 ran over the likes of Tom Dwan and then some geeks from Card Runners pooled their data and crushed the kid.  Didn’t they send Durrrr the memo? And then what?  The guy that won most of the money, over 4 million, mr. Brian Hastings, promptly thanks er… rat’s out… Brian Townsend.

Townsend was the mastermind.  He’s the goose that needs to be cooked.  Hastings slyly implied when he gave full thanks to his windfall to Townsend.  All that did was get Townsend’s red pro status revoked.  But wait their’s more…

Isildur1, who’s own goose was cooked when he saw all his nosebleed winnings head over to Hastings account, read about the collusion… er… data mining and he’s not too pleased.  The Bat should think not.  Why would he be?  The kid only took the nosebleed stratosphere by storm playing every single big name at once it seemed.  And for the most part winning.  Then some guys who wouldn’t last long enough in a dodge ball game to be second man out sat around their laptops, spreadsheets, and slide rulers devising a strategy to top him.

ONE PER HAND!

The Bat’s not sure what to think.  Data mining seems to be here to stay.  Sure it’s frowned upon but is it really?  Brian Townsend at most got a slap on the wrist and the other two seem to be getting away scott free.  What if Isildur1’s protest gets honored.  What player wouldn’t start accusing every successful opponent of being a lowly, black-tarred data miner?

The Bat knows he would point the sooty feather at many an opponent.  When the Bat sits down to play poker online he does so to compete against one man for each hand.  So what if the Bat has data on all his opponents it’s not fair if they have data on the Bat.  Plus, there are several sessions the Bat would like to do-over.  Perhaps, his site can launch an investigation into the freaks that rivered quads against the Bat.  Or the guy that called every bet that one day.

Anyway, the Bat scooped exactly 4 tournaments out of the 10 he played this week.  That’s pretty phenomenal.  Next stop Isildur1 and that gang of data miners.

Bayou Poker Challenge Review

So the Bat descended on decadent New Orleans, finding himself a cozy vinyl booth in a strip club on Bourbon Street sipping a beer the size of his head, holding dollar bills between his teeth, ogling the pretty girls, and trying to ignore the stank of the strip club when he realized he came down to play some pok-a.  The Bat left the buxom silicone ladies at Rick’s, Larry Flints, and elsewhere despite their heaving breasts, and promises of love to get back to Harrah’s Poker Room.

Who knows what time it was but the Bat barely aware of daylight, or lack of it, on his rambling walk over keyed into his surroundings and knew he was going to crush it.  The poker room had its usual assortment of welfare check recipients trying to strike Gold on a bad beat jackpot or an epic run of cards, freshly minted Internet luckboxes that think every table has a holecam and the casino cameras are trained on to them with a panel of security members admiring their deft folds and ballsy re-raises, the out-of-town drunks, and your rocks growing mold on their casino beaten faces.

The Bat felt right at home.  He pulled out a wad of cash, now far lighter after the sojourn at the strip club, where Hurricanes had blinded him to denominations and the Bat inadvertently tipped hundos instead of singles.  No fear, the Bat’s been running good especially in Texas Hold ‘Em Poker.  Now was the time to take these fools to poker school.  Finding a seat at a swollen 10-25 table the Bat splashed a wad onto the table.  The future victims eyed the Bat’s stilted movements and listened in glee to his slurred words with several openly rubbing their hands in delight.  But the Bat knew better, oh the Bat knew better.

The Bat’s plan was to watch a round of play and then attack, attack, attack.  Five hands in pocket queens changed that plan and the Bat eyed the pot as the old man with the creaky arm led out with a bet.   The elbow joint literally cracked like a champagne bottle being opened and even a drunken Bat could recognize the embodiment of tightness was entering the pot.

Rolling his eyes, the Bat popped it to the $350.   The old man didn’t flinch.  The bystanders got out-of-the-way.  Old Man Winter waited until the action got to him and waited some more.  The Bat wondered if Death had finally creeped up and squeezed the old coot’s heart until like a rotten tomato it fell in upon itself.  Had the old man with his wispy beard finally succumbed.

With a resounding crack of his other elbow, the geezer found life force anew to toss out a stack of black chips.  If the Bat was going to play, it was going to be for 2k.  The drunken Bat felt beaten and looked down at the remainder of the 5k in chips in front of him.  He checked his cards again, still two queens. 

The old man turned his creaky neck until he was eyeball to eyeball with the Bat and as he did so his thick 1980s Bill Gate glasses slid down the top of his nose.  They looked like their very heft would take the nose with it, tearing it off his ragged face.   The Bat fumed.  He has to have it.

The Bat pushed out 2k and said to himself, I’ll hit a queen.  The old man visibly rocked by the call sank into his chair.  He doesn’t have it!  The Bat thought to himself.

The dealer slowly scooped in the pot and readied himself to show the flop. 

“Today, dealer, I want to make sure he’s alive to see the end of this hand,”  The Bat quipped.

The dealer spread three cards and the Bat’s Q came. 

The old man put out 2k and the Bat shoved over the top for the last 1 k, “I gotta set old man!” taunting his opponent.

The old man turned slowly to the bat firing in the extra thousand with one hand and spilling his cards with the other showed J10. 

“Jack f’ing 10?”

The dealer said “Straight” and fired off two meaningless cards.  He pushed up the Q9 and 8 that flopped.  Whoops!

The Bat Blogs Again, Poker is Under his Skin…

Who is Isildur1?  Who is the Poker Bat?  And who is Russell from Survivor?  Is Russell really a millionaire, is Isildur1 really a bored billionaire, and is the Poker Bat really a dollarnaire.  Would it shock and surprise and awe you if all three were one and the same?  The Poker Bat wouldn’t be surprised, course the Bat doesn’t have much time for sleep so there’s always time to try on a new identity or two.

The Bat likes his casino games, his roulette, his blackjack, his three card poker, his three card monte, and basically anything with green felt.  Poker, Billiards, Pool, Snooker, and screen-in porches of your over 60 set.  The Bat wants to say hey you got a game table for a carpet.  The Bat got his start with a stick and some dice way back when on a blue-haired lady’s screen porch, so the Bat’s been around the block.

The Harrahs tournament Challenge thingamachinga is upon us, and as much as the Bat has been laying waste to the online poker geeks, the blackjack tables over at bwin, and the scooping a jackpot at the Beau, the Bat can’t help but get a little excited about trouncing on all the old familar faces.  The Bat is ready to take on the GCP.netters like GeneD, the Monkey, The Texan, The Southpaw Rounder, the Honest Player, and the other dingbats that make a partial living from playing the game.

The Bat has been a one-man wrecking crew and a demolition man that would make Wesley Snipes regret ever assuming the moniker.  Playing roulette online the Bat has tripled his roulette bankroll.  Sitting down to play online roulette is such a treat the Bat enjoys it with a Mint Julep, a slice of avocado pizza, and foot massage from the lady the runs the laundrymat down the block.  Granted with the Bat gets to stomping his feet and slurring his words the foot massage lady picks up some laundry business from the spilled Juleps and a black-eye or two from the wayward feet of the Bat, but it’s all worth it.   After a successful evening, spinning the virtual roulette ball online, the Bat will smoke a menthol and buy something off an infomercial.

The Bat, is dubbed the Bat because of his nightime proclivities.  They are rooted in watching infotainment television.  The Bat can see a Juicer commercial once, but give him a Jack LaLane’s juicer ad and it’s heaven.  See the Bat used to be a pitchman himself, and watching the masters wheel and deal, ABC style, Always B Selling… the Bat gets goosebumps.  Folks like Billy Mays are the Babe Ruth’s and Pele’s of the Bat’s world.

Recently, the Bat watched that actor Vince pitch a shamwow, and shamwow! the Bat was buried in orange towels that lose all their appeal after a couple of washes.  What is a shami anyway?  The Bat knows, another worthless rag for the foot massage lady from down the block.

Where was the Bat, oh yeah, destroying roulette online and thinking about getting in some live poker time at the Harrahs Challenge.  The only Challenge for the Bat would be not ridiculing all those “players” that think they are fricking Phi HellMouths and Daniel NeGROANus.  Look make a decision and finish acting. 

Live poker is so fun and easy except for all those idiots that play.  Stack your chips creatively and get out of the Bat’s pot.  That’s all the Bat’s got to say.  You’ll see the Bat at the six handed poker tournament on Thursday.  Look for relaxed feet, the gentle breezy breath of a mint julep, and freshly laundered clothes, and a wallet fat from online roulette winnings.  The Bat’s gotta fly.

The Bat Attacks

Today was a good day for the Bat. 

The Bat destroyed, decimated, and decapitated.  The Bat destroyed the poker tables online, decimated the football pools, and decapitated a G.I.Joe figure in anger about the G.I.Joe movie.  G.I…….. Joe, A Real American He—-ro!  That thing made the Transformer movie look sophisticated and intelligent.  The Bat just watched the previews and was angry enough to bite off Destro’s head, no way the Bat is going to watch the entire movie.  They are wearing some sort of jet suits and jumping around like Robocops.  Don’t disappoint the Bat, Thor movie, that helmet might hurt.

This is a poker blog so the Bat needs to dish on the destruction and havoc the Bat wrought on the virtual tables.  The Bat likes to take small pocket pairs like 2s, 3s, and 4s and bring misery to those seated near him.  The recipe is easy, sprinkle in a little positive thinking, a powerful flop, a better turn and crush those fools that believe AA is a good hand.  It only wins four times out of five.  How is it going to beat four fours, three threes and a wheel? 

The Bat likes to taunt those fools that call all the way down with the overpair.  The Bat’s favorite taunt “Please Wheezy!”  The Bat doesn’t know what that means but he heard Doyle Brunson once say that to Dewey Tomko after a big hand.  So now if you get the Please Wheezy in your chatbox you might have just ran into the Bat.

The Bat hears that Darvin Moon will be down in New Orleans for the Saints-Patriots game and the Saints will recognize him for… something… wearing a hat?    Thats interesting.  Darvin was the underdog who almost won it all but didn’t.  The Saints are the ultimate underdog having their best season yet, they are undefeated, kind of Moon terrorizing the main event.  Did the guy even lose a hand?

Obviously, the logger from West Virginia wore a Saints hat the entire time, but he didn’t quite get it done.  The Saints this year can’t settle for not quite getting it done.   When they get to heads up with the Colts or the Patriots at the end of the year, there will be no second best, there should be no Joe Cada taking it down.  Only the Saints.

Hmmm.  Got to wonder if the team made the wrong decision in aligning themselves with an also ran.  The Bat feels they did.

The Bat plays his online poker on a mac these days.  Sure it’s a little fruity, even the powerful ones, kind of like a juiced up wrestler wearing silky tights.  Machismo or something else?  So the Bat’s macintosh was home to the sickness as the Bat put down bad beat after bad beat on his hapless poker opponents.   Still, when the Bat’s mac froze the Bat didn’t know what to do he had devoted his entire sunday to play poker online.    What would you do?  Silly reader, Macs don’t freeze.  That’s why the Bat got one.

On to the football pools.  The Bat has been crushing a survivor pool and put all of his teams on the Atlanta Falcons today.  The Bat never sweated that game, even when Tampa Bay was up.  Even when they were driving to hit a field goal to ensure the best the Falcons could do was tie (which they missed).  Even when the clock was just about runned out and the Falcons got a miracle penalty to get a new set of downs to put the ball in from the five. 

Why wasn’t the Bat worried.  One, the Bat doesn’t sweat… ever.  The Bat willed his sweat glans closed as a 13 year old.  Two, the Falcons were playing the Tampa Bay Bucs.  The Bucs.  Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.  The Bucs can’t hold on to a lead against anybody.  Remember when John Gruden used to coach there?  He was the cat’s pajamas for a while, but then the misery of that organization tainted him.  He became Tony Kornheiser’s replacement.  This guy was supposed to be Vince Lombardi’s replacement.  Then the Bucs infested him with their scent of losing and no he wears it like a bad toupee.

Who debuts a team with an orange uniform an Orange Julius kiosk would be embarrassed to wear.  In the NFL.  Come on. 

That’s enough for this week from The Bat, destroyer of poker dreams, decimator of football pools, and decapitor of Scottish Arms dealer Destro.  Fear the Bat.

The Bat reviews the World Series of Poker Final Table

Joe Cada.  Already discussed him and the kid cada-rized the field.  He dropped out of school to take the field to poker school.  Not sure the Bat wants lessons though.   It must be fun to get it all in with the worst hand, catch up and win the hand for huge stacks.  He was a bit of a suicide bomber except the problem was every time he tried to blow himself up the bomb fell off him and took somebody else out.  Not until he played pretty well at the heads up battle did he do anything to distinguish himself as a worthy champion.  Unfortunately, for people hoping to legalize the game, this final table showed just how relevant luck is, even if it also will reinforce how important it is in the short term, and what less of a factor it is long term (Phil Ivey  making it back would be tremenduous for this argument).

Phil Ivey.  Fold, Fold, Fold your boat, gently down the stream merrily, merrily, merrily bracelet is just a dream.  Okay they didn’t fold any boats, but both seemed unwilling to put their chips in with anything but the nuts, and the nuts never came.  Even when Ivey had Darvin Moon crushed he learned the hard way the WSOP final table is not the place to turn timid.  Case in point Ivey folded pocket jacks preflop.  Not a great laydown like this one: 

Showed great patience but he was also killing Saout who had sniffed him out as a nit and shoved on him.

Saout had done this in front of Ivey in the lead up to the final table, and though on that day, based on the TV coverage Saout started out tight, Ivey still needs to play his pocket Jacks when he feels they are ahead.  This is one of those lay-downs Daniel Negreanu talked about when he said Ivey was folding hands he never would.  Ivey also could have taken a chance or two with pocket kings and tried to chip up with most flops, instead he shoved on Shulman, the other nit, and pulled in only the preflop money. 

Jeff Shulman.  He hired Phil Hellmuth as coach and Hellmuth’s poker innovation was to bet five times the big blind and commit more of Shulman’s money to the pot when he’d fold to shoves over the top.  Hellmuth has been taken to task for this brilliance and Shulman paid the price for it when he could never get anything going.  Tough to even sustain when people can resteal for such a hefty price tag.

Darvin Moon.  The bat has found a brother from another mother.  This down home, aw shucks snake in the grass, is exactly what makes America grand.  Bumpkins outsmarting city folk has been a staple of our culture since our first city.  Moon almost pulled off the greatest con ever.  Crazy like a fox. 

The rest of the other guys.  All they did was get their money in good and get sucked out on.  The Bat has sympathy but would gladly take their million dollar consolation prizes.

Cada is Youngest World Series of Poker Main Event Champ Ever

The Bat is aghast.  Well, if the Bat knew what aghast meant maybe he wouldn’t be.  If aghast means shocked and awed in a bad way, than considered the Bat aghast.  Joe Cada, the man who teaches you to ship it with any pair because you’ll hit a set and beat no matter what you are up against is the Main Event Champion. 

Well, when the Bat calls Cada the man, he means THE MAN, because the 21 year old is barely off his mother’s boob, and his far more noob than a man.  That being said that seems like he has a good head on his shoulders, which is good because the Bat has seen people with bad heads on their shoulders (usually they have no necks but Cada has a neck), and wants to embrace the ambassador to poker role that past champions have run from, hidden from, or ignored.   This is a kid who dropped out of school and now is the center of poker.

Chris Moneymaker, Joe Hachem, and Greg Raymer are worthy representatives of poker and they have served the game well.  The last few not so much.  It’s a tough burden and they don’t teach you it in poker school, much less real school.  Fellow young ‘un Peter Eastgate is a good kid, and while his triumph might have been great for poker in Denmark it was like another square of rain forest being trimmed down to Americans–largely ignored and even those aware of it happening not really caring it happened.  

Jaime Gold was a hollywood agent.  When he lived out the stereotype on the table and in brokering and breaking deals, people largely passed on the guy.  Even if he wanted to be poker’s next superstar, and some part of him did, despite his false humility the poker community was never going to embrace him until he put together the type of resume that makes poker’s rogues lovable rogues.

Jerry Yang was the counter-point to Gold.  He prayed outwardly at the final table.  In essence, he cited his victory because God wanted him to win.  The Bat is pro-God, so maybe God did want Yang to win but if so why would he basically disappear after the championship.  And the Bat has to wonder why God let’s so many degenerates win poker tournaments if he’s so invested in their outcomes. 

So that’s an zero-for-three streak the Main Event champion has been, and the luster of Moneymaker, Raymer and Hachem is starting to show some wear and tear.  Poker needs a new hero, and maybe this kid could be it.  Maybe the Bat is wrong to be aghast maybe the Bat should be excited.  Perhaps, Cada will inspire millions of 16 and 17 year olds to try online poker, and in four years to venture into a live casino for the first time. 

New poker lingo:  any time you turned an underpair into a set after getting it all in is Cada-rize someone.

Bat-ter Up

It’s been a while since the Bat has found the time to fill in the poker world on his activities.  Well, world the Bat has been crushing it.  Bwin, Pokerstars, FullTilt et al have all felt the Bat’s wrath.   Now, the Bat is headed to the IP.

The Bat doesn’t know what to make of the Biloxi comings and goings of that other casino that saw fit to cesure the other animal on Gulf Coast Poker.NET.   Hmmm.  The Bat has been known to get dis-civil every now and then and would hate to get blacklisted from any of the Gulf Coast’s casinos.  Perhaps, they are a little too strict.  Seems like the Monkey can’t win in cash games, despite causing a ruckus wouldn’t that make the other players want him there? 

How many high rollers has he chased away at a 1-2 table?  Mighty loose definition of a high roller if you ask the Bat.  No offense PokerMonkey.  Then again, perhaps because he only plays 1-2 he doesn’t qualify as a person of worth.  The Bat guesses these casnios don’t understand that one banned Monkey might have a lot of friends that will ban the casino doing the banning.  Those people have a high enough net worth to qualify as people so maybe that’ll be the rhetorical strategy to get the ban lifted. 

The Bat’s been jumping all over the NFL games.  Sports Gambling is fun when the better, favored team always covers.  Unless you are Vegas.  The favorites are where it’s at and the Bat has won enough in the first six weeks to pay out a downpayment on a new Bat mobile.  (The Bat will never stop losing right?).   Just keep banging the favorites Bat, but stay away from SF-Indy this week.  The Niners can give the Colts a game.  In fact, the colts are a little bit of a paper tiger.  No other blogger will say that because of Peyton’s ties to the Gulf Coast.  Speaking of Gulf Coast, Favre will have his day and his way in Green Bay.  The Bat’s a poet, you know it.

Anyway, look for some IP updates in this same Bat-Space, same Bat-place, next time.

High Stakes Pokah

The Bat saw that his favorite talking head as far as poker goes (his favorite talking head is Martina Navratolova because of the accent and the specs) AJ Benza is getting kicked to the curb.  This guy is a straight shooting foil to Gabe Kaplan and now he’ll be a part time guest on the Howard Stern Show and little else.  Which was basically what he was doing before High Stakes Poker.  But if Ali Nejad can have a career why can’t the man Benza.  Nejad claimed he’d play poker online with all the nosebleeds back in the day.  Come on Ali.

The Bat went to Benza’s blog… titled “Benza Neat” while better than Benza Neato is still a little weak and in that HUGE picture of the guy means he’s got an ego even bigger than the Bat’s.  The Bat just moved Joe Seebok down the Boy wonder list and Benza to the top.  Would the Bat let Benza play online poker for him?  Doubtful.

High Stakes poker was a hell of a show and the droll Benza made the action even in its lulls entertaining.  If High Stakes Poker or more importantly the Game Show Network had to axe somebody maybe it should have been kaplan.  Sure Benza played the straight man but Kaplan’s worn thin like a marathon of the World Series of Poker and Norm Chad’s divorce jokes.

Rumor has it that Vanessa Ruosso is going to take over the gig.  The Bat doesn’t frequent 2+2 but let’s just say somebody pointed him there by accident.  Anyway, the pocket protectors and zit popping magic players over there say the gig is Ruosso’s.  Strange because she’s well known for tournament play not for being a cash legend, and though she has moderate online poker cred so what.

You can’t deny the girl’s got game, and the Bat’s not sexist, so he’ll give Vanessa Ruosso her due.  Put her next to Vanessa Selbst and she’s downright hot too.  The Bat would like to see these guys doing poker:  Dennis Miller.  Obscure, inane and thinking man’s references should be the norm.  Norm McDonald, while we are carting out old SNL geezers this guy has actually played poker and he wouldn’t be afraid to rip a donkey.  Jeffrey Ross.  One hour long roast after another.  Dave Chappelle.  Has he crawled out of his cardboard box crack house yet?  If not, here’s a gig he can sink his teeth into.

Kamikazi Chip’n

So last week the Bat gives you the Stone Cold Donkey Nuts and this week he hears two people saying it… the Bat is a trend setter, that’s no doubt.  Anyway, poker fiends the Bat has some more poker terminology for you.

The Bat read the Tiltin’ Texan’s blog post the other day with all that Cardplayer geekese poker speak and it’s only fitting that the Bat gives you a helping of the trendy words of next year.  So next time you are at your home game telling the donkfish at your table he was sitting on the Donkey Nuts not the nuts, you can also debrief him on the white chip tell which the Bat has dubbed the Kamikazi Chip’n.

This is one of tells the Bat has learned over years of playing and believes in.  It only works on bad players so if anybody thinks you are decent don’t try and reverse the tell on them when you got a hand.  Nobody’s buying it at best they put you on a draw.

Anyways Kamikazi Chip’n is when the idiot at the end of the table is betting away at a pot and firing little go-away bets on the flop, turn and river.  Guess which chips he’s using?  The kind he doesn’t mind losing.

For some reason, the red chips being that they are more valuable than the white ones, are more likely to be used when the guy is sitting on a bigger hand.  Same is true of the green chips and black ones.  Though at times a casual flip of an overchip is meant as a scare tactic too, but that’s not usually done by a bad player.

No, a bad player, the Bat has noticed will put a stack of 10 white chips rather than two red ones which he’s got diddly.  He’ll also stack these lesser chips at the end and put them in the middle in an attempt to bluff at the pot when he’s got nothing.  It’s called Kamikazi Chip’n because those chips are on a suicide mission and they ain’t coming back to his stack. 

Now go use this tip on all the Latvians playing in Riga.

Donkey Nuts

The Bat saw Joe Seebok dressed as Robin on the front page of www.gulfcoastpoker.net.  Seebok must have gotten the memo that Bat was looking for a Robin.  The Bat will consider his credentials although it looks like he’s already signed with a mentor:  Phil Hellmuth and Ultimate Bet.   That’s nuts.

Speaking of nuts, The Bat wants to talk about a poker term you may not have heard but you should have, but the Bat knows you haven’t because the Bat hasn’t coined it yet.  Now, the Bat is coining it:  Donkey Nuts.

What’s a Donkey Nuts?  Donkey Nuts, to put it bluntly, are the beanbag of a ass or the hands a donkey thinks are the nuts.  They are called Donkey Nuts because an inexperienced player might bet into you like they are sitting on a royal flush yet only have top pair weak kicker.  Usually, the hands are a little better than that, but don’t think for a second a donkey won’t call you down with a naked ace and a terrible kicker.

Anyway, donkey nuts usually come out to play on a scary, brutal board where the river card tends to add straight and flush possibilities to an already paired board.  Donkey might think the last card that gave him two pair gave him the nuts and give every physical indication that he’s sitting on gold.

The Donkey Nuts is a mixed bag of decent but not great hands all to way to the genuine bonafide nuts.  The Bat gives you a tip, point out one of the 30 hands that the board just made and ask if the Donkey can beat it.  If the Donkey looks like you just took the carrot from the stick and broke out a whip, then call if you can beat one of the lesser hands.

The Bat likes donkeys and likes that donkeys think two pair is the nuts.  The Bat also enjoys it when a Donkey states he has the nuts his straight is worse than any flush. 

Oh well, good luck the next time you run into the Donkey Nuts, sometimes it takes horse balls to call.  Course if you play poker online, you don’t have to worry about a Donkey sitting like he just laid the golden egg, but that’s the advantage and disadvantage of internet poker.